The Angry Blackout
So get this: you walk into your friend's house and chat up a conversation with the cute girl in the corner. Out of fucking nowhere, a TV remote flies like a Randy Johnson fastball and sticks into the wall. You then hear a guttural scream that would even scare Bigfoot, followed by a series of battering ram-esque head butts to the window. So much for getting lucky tonight, as you're too busy running away from this disaster like ants under a magnifying glass. This type of blackout disaster tends to be a more rare breed, but always brings an interesting (and usually less than pleasant) experience. The angry blackout usually ends their night in a hospital bed with a plank through their arm or stuffed in the back of a cop car after a household appliance throwing frenzy. Avoid this guy like the plague, because anything in the path of this drunken tornado can and will be ripped to shreds. No one really knows how this person gets so furious, but this dark side tends to always come out when they pass the point of no return.
The Crying Blackout
Have you ever seen someone in the corner of the bar crying? Odds are, you have. You wander over to console this person and offer a hand of friendship. Little do you know that they're really crying because the last song played reminded her (these people are usually a 'her') of her pet hamster Willie that died 16 years ago in a tragic hamster wheel accident. Little do you also know that she's really not going to remember anything come tomorrow. The crying blackout really is self explanatory; they get drunk, and cry. They don't cry about anything important like friends or sports, though. They break out the waterworks for what seems like the dumbest shit. It must be important to them, though, which may make you question why someone is so upset that they had forgotten they lost their old 98 Degrees album in 4th grade. Daddy issues? Emotional issues? Simply just a hot mess? Who knows. The crying blackout tends to be a bit of a buzzkill, though. It was fun to poke fun at the crier the first 107 times, but after a while it just becomes pathetic. Seriously, you're supposed to be having a good time, not moping in a corner over spilt milk. No, I'm not kidding, she literally just spilt a cup of milk and may be suicidal now. This cheap novelty gets old after a while, but they don't want to leave. We suggest avoiding this blacked out mess, otherwise you're handcuffing yourself to an emotional train wreck for the rest of the night.
The Bad Influence Blackout
By day, they are your average person. Maybe even your best friend, perhaps. But come nightfall, this enabler and instigator will get you into so many shenanigans that will make you eligible for an episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive." We're not sure what does it, but when alcohol mixes with this person's body, it sends the gears in their head spinning so fast that any person within a 2 mile radius is subject to his debauchery. A few hours ago, this guy and yourself were leaving the office. Now, you're at the bar doing a handstand with a stripper doing shots off your taint. But wait, there's more! How did you get to White Castle, and why are you showering in Big Red while hitting on the 57-year-old decrepit cashier? And why is there a Walmart receipt in your left back pocket for five bottles of KY Jelly, a tennis racquet, and bird feed? While your night may be a blur, you know this person is (almost) always a great time, even though they really won't remember getting into some sticky situations (literally). You're not sure why, but you do everything that this blackout demands. Somewhere between the verbal onslaughts of "YOU WON'T!"'s and "Duuuuude, don't be a pussy!", you decide that downtown drunken parkour really IS a great idea, even though you really know it's not. This blackout makes for some of the best stories, but there's a good chance you exchange a lot of your dignity or stomach contents for that story.
@CanadaInAmerica with help from guest contributer @dylan_helber
No comments:
Post a Comment