Types Of Blackouts Part 2

What, you thought there were only three kinds of blackouts we encounter when we torture our livers? You're sadly mistaken. Upon our scientific studies and field research, we've encountered even more types of blackouts to educate you on. We can guarantee one of your lame friends probably falls under one of these too. Observe...

The Angry Blackout

So get this: you walk into your friend's house and chat up a conversation with the cute girl in the corner. Out of fucking nowhere, a TV remote flies like a Randy Johnson fastball and sticks into the wall. You then hear a guttural scream that would even scare Bigfoot, followed by a series of battering ram-esque head butts to the window. So much for getting lucky tonight, as you're too busy running away from this disaster like ants under a magnifying glass. This type of blackout disaster tends to be a more rare breed, but always brings an interesting (and usually less than pleasant) experience. The angry blackout usually ends their night in a hospital bed with a plank through their arm or stuffed in the back of a cop car after a household appliance throwing frenzy. Avoid this guy like the plague, because anything in the path of this drunken tornado can and will be ripped to shreds. No one really knows how this person gets so furious, but this dark side tends to always come out when they pass the point of no return.

The Crying Blackout

Have you ever seen someone in the corner of the bar crying? Odds are, you have. You wander over to console this person and offer a hand of friendship. Little do you know that they're really crying because the last song played reminded her (these people are usually a 'her') of her pet hamster Willie that died 16 years ago in a tragic hamster wheel accident. Little do you also know that she's really not going to remember anything come tomorrow. The crying blackout really is self explanatory; they get drunk, and cry. They don't cry about anything important like friends or sports, though. They break out the waterworks for what seems like the dumbest shit. It must be important to them, though, which may make you question why someone is so upset that they had forgotten they lost their old 98 Degrees album in 4th grade. Daddy issues? Emotional issues? Simply just a hot mess? Who knows. The crying blackout tends to be a bit of a buzzkill, though. It was fun to poke fun at the crier the first 107 times, but after a while it just becomes pathetic. Seriously, you're supposed to be having a good time, not moping in a corner over spilt milk. No, I'm not kidding, she literally just spilt a cup of milk and may be suicidal now. This cheap novelty gets old after a while, but they don't want to leave. We suggest avoiding this blacked out mess, otherwise you're handcuffing yourself to an emotional train wreck for the rest of the night.

The Bad Influence Blackout

By day, they are your average person. Maybe even your best friend, perhaps. But come nightfall, this enabler and instigator will get you into so many shenanigans that will make you eligible for an episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive." We're not sure what does it, but when alcohol mixes with this person's body, it sends the gears in their head spinning so fast that any person within a 2 mile radius is subject to his debauchery. A few hours ago, this guy and yourself were leaving the office. Now, you're at the bar doing a handstand with a stripper doing shots off your taint. But wait, there's more! How did you get to White Castle, and why are you showering in Big Red while hitting on the 57-year-old decrepit cashier? And why is there a Walmart receipt in your left back pocket for five bottles of KY Jelly, a tennis racquet, and bird feed? While your night may be a blur, you know this person is (almost) always a great time, even though they really won't remember getting into some sticky situations (literally). You're not sure why, but you do everything that this blackout demands. Somewhere between the verbal onslaughts of "YOU WON'T!"'s and "Duuuuude, don't be a pussy!", you decide that downtown drunken parkour really IS a great idea, even though you really know it's not. This blackout makes for some of the best stories, but there's a good chance you exchange a lot of your dignity or stomach contents for that story.

@CanadaInAmerica with help from guest contributer @dylan_helber

Party Rules Everyone Should Know

Have you ever gone to a party that a friend is hosting and you walk in the door and instantly think, "Wow, bro, this sucks hardcore bro!"? Well that's because someone has been a naughty boy and has violated at least one of the basic party rules that EVERYONE should know. These common sense laws are constantly broken, and it's about time some cleared this up. I'm tired of newbies crashing my shindigs and making them suck more than a 15-year-old Vietnamese girl. (I know I'm going to hell)


Rule #1: If you're a guy, bring at least one girl for every guy you bring. If you're a girl, bring more girls.

Nothing screams "having a good time" more than a good 'ol fashioned sausage fest. Seriously, I don't care how chill your 43 friends from high school are, don't bring them unless you are pulling 43 girls. As a male, I hate to admit it, but girls really are the life of the party. Without them, guys tend to drink themselves into an oblivion, and that's when shit gets broken and feelings get hurt. The guys you typically bring are douchey anyway, that's why they probably weren't invited in the first place, which leads me to my next point.


Rule #2: Don't crash a party unless you either know the host, were invited, or are planning on talking to the host.

I hate it when random kids walk into a random house looking for a random good time. We all understand that people just want to meet other people, but learn some etiquette! We all understand we have to eat but it doesn't mean we can plow our face into our meals and eat it like a dog eating out of a dog bowl. The one exception to this rule is if you plan on finding the host of the shindig, introducing yourself, and asking if it's cool if you stay there. More often than not, you'll receive an overwhelming "Eh, sure" from the host, and all of a sudden you're not a rando douche. EVERYBODY WINS. Remember not to walk in with 69 dudes though. Not only will you look like a tool, but the host will probably laugh in your face.

Rule #3: Don't be THAT guy.

If you're looking to go out and have a good time, go for it. But don't leave your house drunk enough to the point where you have to hold onto the grass or else you'll fall off the earth. Leaving the house like a drunken cyclone ready to hit a party will ensure one of three things.

1) You will get your ass beat for doing/saying/touching something wrong.
2) You'll throw up on someone. If you throw up on the wrong person, see above.
3) You'll pass out in a random location and wake up without a wallet, cell phone, dignity, or shoes, and/or have Sharpie dicks all over your face.

Seriously, this is a no-no. Don't be the guy who puts his hand in hot water, only to yank it out and test the water again in 5 seconds. Dumbass.

Rule #4: Don't be the chick taking too many pictures.

This is directed to the lovely ladies, because if you're a guy taking too many pictures at a party, you should probably just go home and turn on some Redtube instead. Nobody likes the girl who stands in the corner and stalks her pray for a picture. This isn't the Amazon of profile pictures, it's a social gathering where you're supposed to meet other people. No one will care when you upload 154 pictures from last night with you making the duck face next to 154 different people. In fact, you'll probably never be allowed at another social function ever again, so knock it off.

Rule #5: Don't come to the party ready to start a fight.

You know who you are. You leave the house wanting nothing more than to engage in fisticuffs. Here's the thing with your flawed and socially awkward logic: you're going to a house where the host obviously has a lot of their friends there to back each other up should someone get in a fight. That being said, going to a party to start a fight is like walking into Harlem with a KKK uniform on; you're going to get your ass beat and no one will shed a tear. They may even laugh, actually. Stay home and punch holes in walls or something, weirdo.

Rule #6: Powder your nose and meet up with Mary Jane somewhere else.

Look, no one really cares what your substance of choice is, but at a party, alcohol is the substance that evening. That being said, don't bring other stuff to a party that you know is either unwelcome or will get you in trouble. (Potentially see #1 above) It's risky enough hosting a get-together as it is, and we don't need to add class 2 substances to the picture. Don't find a room to smoke in without permission, don't do coke in the bathroom, and definitely don't shoot up while spitting game to that dimepiece. Those are all recipes for disaster that will not end well. Come to drink and be merry, not to stare at the ceiling for two hours debating why Phish is so much better than Rush.

These are only a few of the basic rules that everyone should know about parties, regardless of your age or grade. The rest of the rules... well, you're going to have to find out about them on your own. It wouldn't be fun for us professionals to see you newbies not make an ass of yourself every once in a while now, would it?

@CanadaInAmerica and guest contributer @dylan_helber

New Artists That Aren't So New

Every year, "new" artists break through to the mainstream, making way for their spot in the most important or catchy tunes of that year. Thing is, a lot of the "new" artists have been around for a while. As a music fan, it bugs me how uneducated about music the average person is, and this shows how assuming people are about the hits they listen to. Check out these examples to see what I mean.

fun.

fun. is a prime example of what I'm talking about. Their breakthrough hit "We Are Young" is what everyone and their cat is singing to right now, and I'll admit that it is pretty catchy. This "new" band has been around for years, though. fun. formed in 2008 and has had the privilege of opening for bands such as Paramore, Jack's Mannequin, Taking Back Sunday, and Anberlin. I actually have seen fun. twice as an opening band, one of which was when they were touring with Taking Back Sunday and Anberlin. fun. lives up to their name as they put on a show full of quirky things, including the use of a flugelhorn (look it up) and all sorts of chants and acts. fun. is a testament to how hard work and patience pays off, as they are now enjoying owning the #1 song in the US currently. These guys may be another "typical hipster band," but 1) at least they don't have long, ridiculous beards, and 2) are a legit group that any fan should follow.

Calvin Harris

Any uneducated self-proclaimed "music aficionado" will instantly proclaim "OH MAH GAWD CALVIN HARRIS LIEK DID THAT SONG WIFF REEYANNA OH MY LAWD" upon hearing the name Calvin Harris. I, as a legimitate music aficionado, will proclaim my fist through someone's ugly face upon hearing that reaction. Yes, Calvin Harris' mainstream breakthrough comes with producing "We Found Love" with Rihanna. This helped him push his solo mainstream breakthrough in "Feel So Close." (Which, by the way, has finally hit top 40 radio and is by the far the best song on radio today. Just saying.) Little do you know that Harris has been spinning the 1's and 2's and producing music as a legitimate artist since 2004. In 2006, he signed a deal with Sony BMG and EMI after being discovered on MySpace. (Remember that site?) Harris has enjoyed intermittent success here and there, but nothing to the likes of "We Found Love," which has established himself as a huge EDM contender. This new artist has been around for at least 8 years though, and it looks like he'll be hanging a while too.

Adele

Betcha didn't know Adele isn't "new" at all, did you, you dumbass? I know I may be tired of hearing her songs being played 78 times an hour, but this legitimate singer has had a record contract since 2006. Obviously enjoying success with "Rolling In The Deep,""Set Fire To The Rain," and "Someone Like You," her "21" album is actually a follow to the album "19," which both represent the age she wrote the albums. "19" was actually nominated for the Grammy, even though no big hits came from the album. Adele also saw her first real success from Myspace, where she signed her aforementioned record contract in 2006. She started with a recorded demo that eventually found its way into the correct hands, and those hands hyped her up enough to be one of the most sought after artists going into 2008. She was even said to be Britain's next big breakthrough artist... I think those guys knew what they were talking about. Sucks to suck, Mr. Adele's Ex-boyfriend.

Skrillex

It saddens me that I have to mention Skrillex in this. Skrillex is one of the biggest artists in EDM, but too many people blindly follow him without recognizing his roots in pop-punk. Skrillex, whose real name is Sonny Moore, was a part of a band called From First To Last, who saw a decent amount of success ever since their 2003 EP release "Aesthetic." FFTL has enjoyed tours, both headlining and supporting, and even the occasional spot on the Vans Warped Tour. (One of which I was fortunate enough to go and see FFTL perform with Sonny on vocals) After Sonny left FFTL, he began his electronic music career. As Skrillex, he released his first EP in 2009 and his success began a steep climb afterwards. This crazy-haired weirdo took his new name to a new level with, yet again, free releases via Myspace that began his underground fame which finally put Skrillex as a household name. His influences with EDM took dubstep, which was already a pretty well-known genre in Europe, and made it his own. His "dirtier-than-a-High-Street-hooker" bass drops and "sounds-like-two-robots-doing-it-doggy-style" melodies have been popularized in America and has been dubstep a legit genre in the US as well.

See, people? These artists have been around for a while, much like every other artist that breaks through to the mainstream. It's rare for someone to achieve massive success from their first works, because the music industry is full of assholes that need you to establish yourself before really making a dime off of your music. Remember that, ladies and gentlemen, the next time you take a dump in Garageband and try to hype yourself up as the world's next best producer.

@CanadaInAmerica

Funeral Theme Party Ideas

Funerals are never fun. Seeing someone you love laying in a casket while everyone tells stories of how awesome they were can leave the strongest person crying like a kindergartner learning that Santa doesn't exist. Funerals are always too sad, which is why I've decided that when people come to my funeral, they're going to have the time of their life. I can't decide which funeral theme I want to go with though, but here's what's on the table.

Viking Funeral

Who wouldn't want to attend a viking funeral? Here's how this would go down. First off, everyone must arrive with one of those viking hats with the horns on them, because those are badass. The service will include only the most memorable stories of yours truly, followed by a burial at sea. This isn't a traditional burial at sea, though. This would include taking my sexy but also deceased body, putting it on a boat, sending out to open water, and having everyone shoot flaming arrows at the boat until the boat catches fire. Awesome, right!? After that would come the reception. There would be an open bar (duh) that would serve nothing but Heineken and Beck's. There would be a tug-of-war contest in there followed by a jousting competition where EVERYONE is required to participate. Don't think I won't haunt your ass from the grave if you don't participate in the jousting, you disprespectful jerk. When everyone is finally piss drunk, everyone will sit around a bonfire and roast a whole giraffe. Hog roasts are so overdone.

Gangster Funeral

Nothing says "goodbye" like sacrificing some of your champagne on the carpet. This funeral would start with the pole bearers walking my casket into the funeral blaring "All I Do Is Win" by DJ Khaled. After a few nice words from my homies, I'll be laid to rest in the ground with enough gold and Hennessy to fix Greece's financial crisis. My casket is going to made out of pure platinum and will have diamond studs, mind you. Everyone will then swap stories at the reception, how I got shot 14 times as a 7-year-old for calling Wayne Brady a punk bitch, or the time I mistook Shanquala the corner tranny as a 18-year-old dime piece. That last one really damaged my ego. The reception will feature a fountain of malt liquor and will be highlighted by a performance from Rick Ross. Once everyone's too high to function or has been sent to the hospital, the last event will be a dominoes tournament, where the winner has 30 seconds to dig my body up and take as much gold and Hennessy as they can. Sounds pretty baller, right?

Classical Music Funeral

This funeral would actually require an IQ exam before entering, so you had better start hitting the books on 17th century German culture if you expect to be in attendance for this gathering. Assuming you pass the exam, you will be promptly handed a fancy wig and white powder to powder your face. Pale is back in, ladies! The funeral will start with a string quartet playing some stuff. I don't care what they play, I'll be dead at this point, just as long as it's fancy. Everyone will be required to start the overdramatic waterworks at this point. Once a eulogy is said about me using a ridiculous vocabulary that will confuse even the most well-refined scholars, I will simply be buried. Nothing special there. At the reception, we'll be serving cheese trays while discussing the works of Chopin and Great Britain's influence in the South Pacific. If at any point you sound like an idiot, you'll be called out, then promptly tarred and feathered. I wasn't kidding when I said to hit the books. The event will end with a performance of Swan Lake, the ballet. Enjoy!

Rave Funeral

This is by far the most interesting funeral idea out there. Before coming into the building, all of the attendees will spin a wheel which will decide what drug you are on for the day. Lucky you, you hit the bonus peg of the wheel! Here's your PCP laced joint and acid-wrapped ecstacy tablet. Once you digest your substances, three stagehands will bring in my casket, which has appropriately been turned into a 20" subwoofer. Tiesto will bust in the doors and deliver a 2-hour set that'll have everyone jacked up. No eulogy, no kind words of me, just dancing in the chapel and dirty things in the bathrooms. My body/casket/subwoofer will then be taken to the reception which will feature a set by Deadmau5 and Swedish House Mafia. By now the drugs will have fully kicked in, assuming you're not on the floor convulsing at this point. No food, no games, nothing. Just dancing at the reception. Once the DJ's end their set (at 5am), someone will probably try to steal my body/casket/subwoofer. Just let it happen, don't stop them! I won't care too much. 

@CanadaInAmerica