Before one jumps to conclusions, let me illustrate my points. Animal cruelty is wrong, and many systems that we have to supply meat to our nation (and the rest of the world) may be considered borderline cruel, especially considering many living conditions given to the animals that taste so good. However, it is in our species interests as humans to eat meat. It is in our taste bud's interests to eat meat, also. Shit's good, dude. The intentions behind vegetarianism aren't bad, believe me. There's nothing wrong with wanting to eat soy burgers for the rest of your life.... except for the taste. However, let us explore why vegetarianism isn't American.
Vegetarians cannot eat any meat. Meat is the main (and only) ingredient in hamburgers, hot dogs, and ham sandwiches. Done. Debate THAT. America.
Vegetarians boast about the healthier habits that come with eliminating meat from one's diet. If not eating meat is healthy, than consider me Miles Davis. The amount of brotein that comes with the servings of meat (and the type of brotein to be specific) only benefit the consumer of said meat products. It puts hair on your chest, and let's be real, the ladies LOVE a jungle on a man's torso. (see: every Hollywood character over the age of 37 ever) Brotein is essential to any living animal's diet, and you're not going to get protein from eating plants and soy and shit. It comes from a pig's soul (and torso) obviously. America.
Vegetarians also say that by eating no meat, it saves animals lives, which benefits everyone. Many of millions of chickens are killed every day to supply the ever growing supply of chicken. Beef products are a somewhat close second as America's favorite meat. By eating less beef, one is saving the planet and resources and hippie shit like that. But, by saving more cows, it actually could increase the amount of greenhouse gases emitted, and could increase the amount of global warming going on on our fine, fine planet. Al Gore may be a whackjob, but cows man, c'mon! These cows are proving this pussy right! It's in America's best interests to eat these cows to shut up Al Gore. Global warming is obviously NOT American. Cows fart. A lot. And they smell. We're doing a favor to the world by eating our delicious burgers. You're welcome, Zimbabwe. America.
Vegetarianism promotes terrorism and communism. I actually don't have any facts to back me up, but just take my word for it. America.
Finally, vegetarianism promotes the killing of live plants. What did that celery stalk ever do to YOU!? It's blatantly un-American to kill a living thing that doesn't deserve to die. Please, you're chopping down that celery stalk to add peanut butter and raisins to it, and put it out as a shitty appetizer to your even more shitty housewarming party full of douchey guests you've met once at that awful Christmas office party? Child, please. Those carrots and lettuce don't deserve to die the way they did - to supply food for a person who has trouble getting completely full on a "meal." Someone should take the plant's side on this one, because they're being brutally killed in mass killing fields also known as "farms." These farms have been made simply to harvest the "goodness" for fruits and vegetables grown just to die, which is also very un-American. If one is to kill a living object, please justify it's death somehow. Read it a prayer, or dress it up in a suit, or poop on it to fertilize it; I don't care. Just do the right thing. America.
As one can blatantly see, vegetarianism is so un-American that it's communist at this points. Once should avoid this veggie-loving diet like the plague and dig into a nice, juicy bacon cheeseburger cooked medium right this instant.***
@CanadaInAmerica
***Please note that I'm aware I've pissed off plenty of people in this highly sarcastic, satirical, and humorous post. This is not to degrade vegetarianism, but to propose that it is simply not America. While poking fun at the veggie-dorks, one must realize that it IS indeed easy to do so, and that I've decided to stretch stereotypes beyond the point of no return. If anyone took this whole article seriously, I hope you enjoy the rest of your life without a sense of humor. Any opinions and statements made in this post were for fun, and while I'm aware someone out there will be offended, please notice that this was made for entertainment and not to necessarily call out aforemetioned veggie-dorks. If anyone took offense, just drink a beer and eat a burger - life goes on. Douche. America.
No comments:
Post a Comment