The Burrito Bowl Diaries

6/4/2012

2:33pm

I walk into a Chipotle in Columbus, Ohio, yearning for something new. As an avid burrito fan, I decided to throw caution into the wind and try a burrito bowl. All the cool kids are doing it, so why not jump the bandwagon?

2:35pm

It's finally my turn to order. The hippie with dreadlocks kindly asks, "What will you be havin', bro?" I respond, "Bro, I'll have a chicken burrito bowl with the tortilla in it, bro!" The bro toasts my heavenly tortilla as my mouth salivates like a 13-year-old boy watching porn for the first time. The tortilla is finished and the soft flat bread is placed in the paper mache bowl. The hippie tortilla prince asks if I will need a lid. I respectfully decline.

2:36pm

After accepting chicken and extra white rice into my bowl, I now add cheese, lettuce, and smidgen of hot chili salsa. Not a lot, just a smidgen. The cashier goddess asks for $6.36. I tell her to hold her goddamn horses because I want a fountain drink. I stare through the soul of the cashier as she rings me up correctly, cup in hand. I've won this battle.

2:37pm

After filling up my cup with lemonade, the sweet, sweet nectar of the lemon gods, I sit down at a table for two. I inspect my surroundings. I see a large man picking his nose.

2:38pm

I ready everything for my first bite. My palms are sweaty. My legs won't stop shaking. I man up and thrust my fork into the garden of food that is my burrito bowl. I take the sampling and insert it into my mouth and begin chewing. Delicious.

2:39pm

I decide that it is worth another bite. I do so, and before you know it I'm eating this bowl.

2:41pm

Halfway done. I don't feel full. The large man is still picking his nose. I'm very thirsty and refill my cup with the lemon gods nectar.

2:42pm

I sit back down and continue eating my burrito bowl.

2:44pm

I'm about 3/4ths done and I still don't feel that full. I pull a maneuver I've seen performed only by burrito bowl experts. I take my fluffy tortilla, encase its contents, and begin eating it that way. The large man has ceased picking his nose.

2:46pm

I devour this ball of yum like a lion mauling a zebra on Animal Planet. The bowl has finally been conquered, sans a few grains of rice that didn't make the voyage into my body.

2:47pm

I leave Chipotle, raise both hands, and scream like a hyena. I did it. I've beaten the burrito bowl.

4:14pm

The burrito bowl exits my body. I tweet while on the toilet.

THE REVIEW:
While the burrito bowl was delicious, it still does not compete with the behemoth burrito. I always struggle to finish the burrito, while the burrito bowl left me slightly empty. I felt like a gas tank filled up only 87% of the way. A burrito tops me off. I may attempt another burrito bowl in the future, but I will stick with my signature burrito for the time being.

@CanadaInAmerica