Putt Putt: America's Lost Pastime

As Americans, we naturally enjoy competition, but there are often limitations that prevent some people from participating in certain sports. Basketball isn't for midgets. Football requires some muscle, that of which is missing from us scrawny white boys. Fat people can't.... well, they are kind of excluded from  just about every athletic sport. Oops. We often forget about a sport that literally everyone can participate in. Everyone from your local high school douche jock to the weird guy in the accounting department to even you! That's right, get out of your moms basement, it's time to play putt putt!

Putt putt is a game where players putt through 18 tough holes, often with obstacles like small water hazards, windmills, and the occasional asshole clown. You don't need to be able to lift 400 pounds or run a 1.7 40-yard dash. You just crank your putter back and hope for the best.

What makes this game so different is the amount of tediousness required to succeed. While it's no real golf, trying to hit a small ball into a small hole a ways away with a bunch of stupid shit in the way is no walk in the park. While any putt putt veteran can usually master a course in no time, it's the small details that make it interesting for all crowds.

Even if you're playing the game of your life and are on track to star in the next professional putt putt open, one stroke over a long game can be the difference between you becoming a champion and becoming a huge, gigantic failure. That's right - that awful shot you had on 13 where the clown ate your ball and spit it back out will be your demise.

There's no better feeling than winning in putt putt. The toll the game takes on your pathetic little body may be a lot, but in the end, justice prevails. You walked to every hole; no cart. You didn't bring a caddy. You're still chugging beers between holes, like a champion. Driving back to your moms basement with the lowest score on your Magic Mountain score card is just as rewarding as getting a handy from Tina in 5th grade.

With the rush of putt putt, I don't see why America has thrown it in the back seat of their sport repertoire. It's behind soccer, cricket, and even curling in popularity (probably). Back in the day, professional putt putt was actually televised on television. Today we're just stuck with the NBA Finals and the Little League World Series. We've let those little shits run ESPN2 for too long! I encourage everyone to revive America's lost pastime in the beautiful game of putt putt. Who knows? You may be the next champion, and when mom finds out, she'll cook you a congratulatory batch of pizza rolls made for a king.

@CanadaInAmerica