Concert Etiquette For Dummies

I've been going to concert for 12 years now. I've seen everyone from Snoop Dogg (twice) to Linkin Park (when they were good) to The Wailers to As I Lay Dying to Skrillex to performances of Beethoven symphonies. Except for country, I've seen just about every genre of music live at one point or another, and how people act at these shows is just astounding. These people don't know what they're doing or how to act. I've never personally never thrown fat kids into the middle of a 14-acre salad buffet, but I imagine that they would act the same as naive concert goers - lost and confused. Today I tell you how to act and to not make yourself look like a dumbass in front of hundreds or thousands of people.

-Don't be THAT guy


There's always THAT guy at the concert. There's always someone who wants to be the center of attention, no matter what. They will be shouting loud stuff just to seek attention. They will pretend to know every fact about everything ever on every subject ever just to sound smart, even though they have the intelligence of the couch I'm sitting on. No one likes these guys. When the show starts, I go out of my way to make sure that this guy has a miserable concert experience, no matter the genre. You're in a group of hundreds of people you don't know and will probably never meet again - trying to be the hero is just plain stupid. You look like a tool, and everybody hates you. Don't be that guy.

-Wear something appropriate

If you're going to a metal show, don't wear the most flamboyant clothes you have. If you're going to a country festival, don't wear your "BLACK POWER!" t-shirt. Use common sense. Dressing in inappropriate attire can literally get your ass beat. I saw an EMS unit come into a rap show after this dumbass with a 2-foot mohawk held together by Elmer's glue took five fingers to the back of his head a few times. It really isn't that hard - don't dress like a dumbass and everything will be fine. Otherwise, everyone, including myself, will hate you. Now, I'm not saying you can't have fun. If you're going to an EDM act, it's usually encouraged to dress up in outrageous, colorful clothing. I'm seeing Lynyrd Skynyrd in a few weeks and you bet your beautiful ass I'm going to be sporting my American flag bandana, sipping Budweiser AmeriCans, and wearing every other USA apparel I have. Just be able to fit in - standing out in a concert atmosphere may not be a good thing.

-Quit with the crowdsurfing

I recently saw Mac Miller and Skrillex together at a show at THE Ohio State University. Before the first set even went on, people were crowdsurfing like the rookies they were. Really? Why? Every crowdsurfer that came over me got a swift punch to their ass. Save the crowdsurfing for specific EDM shows (Steve Aoki?) and rock shows. I once helped crowdsurf over 100 people in a single Five Finger Death Punch show two years ago, but I wasn't pissed because you're supposed to crowdsurf and beat the shit out of each other at a hard rock show. Not at Mac freakin' Miller, though. You're just pissing everyone off and it basically broadcasts to the entire crowd, "HEY LOOK AT ME! I'M AN ATTENTION WHORE! PLEASE PUNCH ME IN THE KIDNEYS" Don't be surprised if someone drops you if you try to crowdsurf at the premiere of the next opera - save it for the rock shows.

-Know when to cheer/applaud

This is more applicable to classical concerts. Know when to applaud - it's the biggest pet peeve of any classical concertgoer. Don't applaud in between movements of entire pieces, or you'll look (and sound) like the biggest buttmunch in the area. Wait to applaud after the entire piece/symphony/quartet is over. Thank me later, noob.

-Know your limits


I'm all for having people "enhance" their concert experience with their substance of choice. Frankly, I don't care what your substance of choice is. Know how much you can handle/how much you're supposed to take though. I've seen shows drunk plenty of times, and it's always a great time. I never have too much to ruin it for me or others though. I worked DayGlow last month and I saw at least five kids have to be sent to the hospital because they passed out while on ecstacy. I can't even count the amount of times I've seen security literally drag out drunks who have thrown up in the pit or passed out in the middle of the venue. I have zero sympathy for them - if you're gonna take your drugs/drink, know the risks and plan ahead. On a related note.....

-Get used to marijuana

I've smelled pot at almost every type of show. Rap/hip-hop, rock, EDM.... you name it. I bet some of the old folks who saw a concert of Chopin's piano pieces were probably baked too. Weed has always been a staple at live concerts since the Woodstock era, and probably was a part of the live show experience before then. If you are going to bitch and complain about "that awful stoner who's just smoking pot like, all the time, because, like, it smells like a skunk died in my butthole," then leave. You don't have to smoke or take a hit when the hippie next to you offers the joint, but don't be a dick about it. Get over yourself. No one's bitching about you drinking your beer or lame cocktail.

-Enjoy yourself, but don't be a douche
This should go without saying. If you're going into the moshpit at the Anthrax show, make sure you're not throwing any 'bows at the girls not in the pit. Don't be screaming in the ears of the innocent victims in front of you for the entirety of the concert. DO have a great time, but keep it within limits and make sure you're not negatively affecting everyone else around you. You're all here to listen to good music and have a good time! There's no reason why you should ruin it for everyone else.

@CanadaInAmerica