Why Graduating College Is Awesome

Too many 21 and 22-year olds complain about the harsh reality of having to graduate college and step into the real world. What's so bad about that? Sure, you can't wake up at 7am on Tuesday to polish off a case before going to your business ethics class where the professor rambles on about his failed marriages. There's too many positives about graduating to cancel the fun parts of college out. Let me explain with the top 10 reasons:

-You don't have to be poor. If you're lucky you'll have a decent paying job, so you should no longer be living 10000000% below the poverty line. Being poor is amusing for a bit, but funding your inevitable alcoholism gets pricey. College is an excuse to be poor, but the life afterwards allows you to not have to dig through your cough cushions for enough change to grab a 40oz. Enjoy saving your money and doing cool important things with it, like investing in the stock market or buying personal strippers.

-You get to leave behind the stupid people. I don't know about you, but I've had a lot of classes with a lot of the same people. Some of those people suck, and I can't wait to leave them behind in the dust. They're annoying, they smell, and they make you want to hump a razor. Never having to see people you can't stand is a great feeling that you undergrad dorks can't enjoy, so think of me next time you're stuck sitting next to the kid who farts a lot and eats his boogers. (fun fact: I've had to sit next to that kid one. Nothing better than calling out a kid eating his boogers in the middle of a class)

-No more shitty college food. Campus food sucks ass, it's a well-known fact. Being poor after moving off campus sucks too, because all you can afford is grilled cheese, mac and cheese, and every other combination of something and cheese. I'm sick of having diarrhea after eating crappy pizza or the chef's special personally. I'd rather enjoy my pinot grigio and salmon than your shitty fish sticks.

-No more homework. From now on, we get paid for doing work! No more 16-page papers on why velvet feels better than nylon or other stupid assignments. Bling bling, bitches! Work may be considered homework, but it's not homework if you get paid. See point #1, loser. When you see my ass back at Homecoming, you bet I'll be arriving by limo and walking out in an all suede suit pumping Rick Ross.

-Walk of shame. Everyone's done it. There's nothing better/worse than walking across campus in last night's clothes and sex hair waving to all your friends who already know what you were up to (and who you were in) last night. While it's great kicking someone out of your bed after a little morning action, it's not so fun when you're walking across campus in high heels at 9am. From now on, your hookups can be as anonymous as you want! When you bump your uglies, literally no one has to know! What a great feeling.... if you know what I mean.

-No more loud dorm sex. Ever try to go to sleep and you hear your nerdy roommate next door is going to poundtown with some broad? It sucks. Literally. There's no more of that. The only screeching moans you'll ever have to hear are when you personally decide to take a trip to poundtown. What a relieving feeling. No one has to make fun of the funny noises you made last night! You can keep your squeaks and shouts to yourself, so let loose.

-Gifts. Graduating college is a big deal, so it's time to reap the rewards! Grandma and grandpa are of course sending some cash your way as well as some gifts from your parents. It may be kinda selfish but screw it, you're an alumni and you bet your beautiful little ass you should be rewarded for four years of (hopefully) hitting the books!

-Graduation parties. The time between the last final exam ever and the commencement ceremonies are a time of debauchery. It's a well known fact that graduation parties rival the first week back and Homecoming as all-day fun fests full of good times and bad decisions. You may not remember partying with your friends for one last time but they'll always remember your graduation weekend where you streaked around the house and threw up on cop!

-No more dumb classes. Let's be real with ourselves - you were playing Angry Birds or creeping on ex-hookups on Facebook more than you were paying attention in class. No more going to classes after graduation! You can now do all of those in the privacy of your bachelor pad. Classes were the epitome of hell for four years, but now they can kiss your ass. Never getting to see the professor who talked about his cats all the time ever again is also a plus.

-You get a cool piece of paper. Eh, nevermind, I guess it's not that cool. Scratch this one and read about walks of shame again.

"All College Seniors Do Is Drink"

Everyone's heard the stereotype that the only reason senior year exists in college is to drink until your liver tries to blow up inside of you. From a personal experience, it's actually not true at all, and I'm here to dispel  this myth once and for all.

"Senior year is easy! You have a light class load and teachers don't care about you since you're about to graduate."

Wrong, you misinformed little turd. Senior year might contain a light class load, but those classes may be the most informative and influential, as they take your education and wrap it up into a 3-times-a-week set of courses with a nice cherry on top. Your senior seminar class may contain information from your previous six semesters, so it's not like you're sitting around pretzel-style listening to the professor read "Clifford The Big Red Dog" books to you. Take your towel and nap somewhere else. This isn't necessarily time to draw your hot professor naked during class, as you may write a novel with the amount of notes you take in the hour you're in the classroom. The class load may be light, but it's definitely not easy.

Hehehehe.... he said "load"

"You just said the class load is light! You have plenty of time to drink then."

Did you not read anything I just typed? Let me reiterate this: light class load does not mean easy classes. During that extra free time, you're writing 16-page thesis papers, researching why gingers don't have souls, and doing other of school work that makes your freshman year look like kindergarten. You'll be juggling enough tasks to take up a nice chunk of your evening hours which will prevent you from vomiting your turkey sandwich from lunch.

"You've been balancing your school work and alcoholism well for three years now. What makes your senior year any different?"

You really don't have a brain in your head, do you? How are you supposed to afford your habitual alcoholism after you graduate? Mom and Pops sure as hell don't want to keep funding you and your bad decisions. Between balancing your school work and other priorities, you're going to be on the job hunt as well. I guess you CAN skip this part of your senior year, but I'll go ahead and let you know that I like my cheeseburgers with only ketchup and my mocha latte made with soy milk. Anyone who actually cares will be adding an internship to their schedule or devoting lots of time researching job markets for their desired position. Unless you want to be working for a fraction of my pay, I suggest you put down the bottle and find a big kid job that will allow you to damage your liver for years to come.

My mom says I can do whatever I want when I grow up, so I decided to suck!

"But.. but... what about the saying 'All second semester seniors drink?' "

Yeah, all the second semester seniors who graduate with a GPA that says "Barely good enough." That's just another stereotype, like all Mexicans have mustaches or all Asians can fly. (PROTIP: I did see an Asian kid fly once, but I'll keep you posted) For every second semester senior devoting their time to Natty Light instead of real life, there's a handful more that actually give a shit and want to do something with their lives. Saying that second semester seniors only drink is like saying The Hangover 2 was better than the original. IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.

"Wow, you sound like a pussy. So you're really no fun once you hit senior year?"

Now, I never said that. Just because you begin the transition from college to real life doesn't mean you can't have fun. In fact, it's a great excuse to actually go out and drink away your sorrows of a long and stressful day. One must learn to balance it though. You can't rage out like you did as an underclassman, but your experience you've mustered the previous three years allows you to go harder than any 18-year-old could dream of. A student is like an OCD kid trapped in a room of non-symmetrical patterns - it become more tolerant over time. Your senior may be at your binge drinking prime, and you shouldn't let that go to waste. However, balancing your liver and your livelihood is more important than drinking the cocky freshman under the table. That really shouldn't be an issue anyway.

Senior year is fun, but it's the first step into the awful place they call "The Real World." If you thought the MTV show of the same name was awful, then you haven't had a dose of the real stuff yet. You have to grow up and put down the bottle, which hopefully is a concept young professionals can grasp. Save the liter of Jim Beam until you leave school with your degree - you'll have earned it at that point.

@CanadaInAmerica