The Burrito Bowl Diaries

6/4/2012

2:33pm

I walk into a Chipotle in Columbus, Ohio, yearning for something new. As an avid burrito fan, I decided to throw caution into the wind and try a burrito bowl. All the cool kids are doing it, so why not jump the bandwagon?

2:35pm

It's finally my turn to order. The hippie with dreadlocks kindly asks, "What will you be havin', bro?" I respond, "Bro, I'll have a chicken burrito bowl with the tortilla in it, bro!" The bro toasts my heavenly tortilla as my mouth salivates like a 13-year-old boy watching porn for the first time. The tortilla is finished and the soft flat bread is placed in the paper mache bowl. The hippie tortilla prince asks if I will need a lid. I respectfully decline.

2:36pm

After accepting chicken and extra white rice into my bowl, I now add cheese, lettuce, and smidgen of hot chili salsa. Not a lot, just a smidgen. The cashier goddess asks for $6.36. I tell her to hold her goddamn horses because I want a fountain drink. I stare through the soul of the cashier as she rings me up correctly, cup in hand. I've won this battle.

2:37pm

After filling up my cup with lemonade, the sweet, sweet nectar of the lemon gods, I sit down at a table for two. I inspect my surroundings. I see a large man picking his nose.

2:38pm

I ready everything for my first bite. My palms are sweaty. My legs won't stop shaking. I man up and thrust my fork into the garden of food that is my burrito bowl. I take the sampling and insert it into my mouth and begin chewing. Delicious.

2:39pm

I decide that it is worth another bite. I do so, and before you know it I'm eating this bowl.

2:41pm

Halfway done. I don't feel full. The large man is still picking his nose. I'm very thirsty and refill my cup with the lemon gods nectar.

2:42pm

I sit back down and continue eating my burrito bowl.

2:44pm

I'm about 3/4ths done and I still don't feel that full. I pull a maneuver I've seen performed only by burrito bowl experts. I take my fluffy tortilla, encase its contents, and begin eating it that way. The large man has ceased picking his nose.

2:46pm

I devour this ball of yum like a lion mauling a zebra on Animal Planet. The bowl has finally been conquered, sans a few grains of rice that didn't make the voyage into my body.

2:47pm

I leave Chipotle, raise both hands, and scream like a hyena. I did it. I've beaten the burrito bowl.

4:14pm

The burrito bowl exits my body. I tweet while on the toilet.

THE REVIEW:
While the burrito bowl was delicious, it still does not compete with the behemoth burrito. I always struggle to finish the burrito, while the burrito bowl left me slightly empty. I felt like a gas tank filled up only 87% of the way. A burrito tops me off. I may attempt another burrito bowl in the future, but I will stick with my signature burrito for the time being.

@CanadaInAmerica

Why Graduating College Is Awesome

Too many 21 and 22-year olds complain about the harsh reality of having to graduate college and step into the real world. What's so bad about that? Sure, you can't wake up at 7am on Tuesday to polish off a case before going to your business ethics class where the professor rambles on about his failed marriages. There's too many positives about graduating to cancel the fun parts of college out. Let me explain with the top 10 reasons:

-You don't have to be poor. If you're lucky you'll have a decent paying job, so you should no longer be living 10000000% below the poverty line. Being poor is amusing for a bit, but funding your inevitable alcoholism gets pricey. College is an excuse to be poor, but the life afterwards allows you to not have to dig through your cough cushions for enough change to grab a 40oz. Enjoy saving your money and doing cool important things with it, like investing in the stock market or buying personal strippers.

-You get to leave behind the stupid people. I don't know about you, but I've had a lot of classes with a lot of the same people. Some of those people suck, and I can't wait to leave them behind in the dust. They're annoying, they smell, and they make you want to hump a razor. Never having to see people you can't stand is a great feeling that you undergrad dorks can't enjoy, so think of me next time you're stuck sitting next to the kid who farts a lot and eats his boogers. (fun fact: I've had to sit next to that kid one. Nothing better than calling out a kid eating his boogers in the middle of a class)

-No more shitty college food. Campus food sucks ass, it's a well-known fact. Being poor after moving off campus sucks too, because all you can afford is grilled cheese, mac and cheese, and every other combination of something and cheese. I'm sick of having diarrhea after eating crappy pizza or the chef's special personally. I'd rather enjoy my pinot grigio and salmon than your shitty fish sticks.

-No more homework. From now on, we get paid for doing work! No more 16-page papers on why velvet feels better than nylon or other stupid assignments. Bling bling, bitches! Work may be considered homework, but it's not homework if you get paid. See point #1, loser. When you see my ass back at Homecoming, you bet I'll be arriving by limo and walking out in an all suede suit pumping Rick Ross.

-Walk of shame. Everyone's done it. There's nothing better/worse than walking across campus in last night's clothes and sex hair waving to all your friends who already know what you were up to (and who you were in) last night. While it's great kicking someone out of your bed after a little morning action, it's not so fun when you're walking across campus in high heels at 9am. From now on, your hookups can be as anonymous as you want! When you bump your uglies, literally no one has to know! What a great feeling.... if you know what I mean.

-No more loud dorm sex. Ever try to go to sleep and you hear your nerdy roommate next door is going to poundtown with some broad? It sucks. Literally. There's no more of that. The only screeching moans you'll ever have to hear are when you personally decide to take a trip to poundtown. What a relieving feeling. No one has to make fun of the funny noises you made last night! You can keep your squeaks and shouts to yourself, so let loose.

-Gifts. Graduating college is a big deal, so it's time to reap the rewards! Grandma and grandpa are of course sending some cash your way as well as some gifts from your parents. It may be kinda selfish but screw it, you're an alumni and you bet your beautiful little ass you should be rewarded for four years of (hopefully) hitting the books!

-Graduation parties. The time between the last final exam ever and the commencement ceremonies are a time of debauchery. It's a well known fact that graduation parties rival the first week back and Homecoming as all-day fun fests full of good times and bad decisions. You may not remember partying with your friends for one last time but they'll always remember your graduation weekend where you streaked around the house and threw up on cop!

-No more dumb classes. Let's be real with ourselves - you were playing Angry Birds or creeping on ex-hookups on Facebook more than you were paying attention in class. No more going to classes after graduation! You can now do all of those in the privacy of your bachelor pad. Classes were the epitome of hell for four years, but now they can kiss your ass. Never getting to see the professor who talked about his cats all the time ever again is also a plus.

-You get a cool piece of paper. Eh, nevermind, I guess it's not that cool. Scratch this one and read about walks of shame again.

Math For Dummies: The 6/2(2+1) Equation

This simple math equation has been sweeping the interbuttz as a boss level troll. I'm so sick of seeing this damn thing everywhere. It's on message boards and forums, and even made it's way to Facebook and Twitter.

Now, it's making its' first and only visit to this blog.

Let's review, since too many of you we're sitting there with awkward boners in class when they were reviewing PEMDAS.

P = parentheses

E = exponent

M = multiplication

D = division

A = addition

S = subtraction

That's the order of operations. Now, if you remember correctly (which you don't), when you would see this equation, you would start by doing anything in parentheses first, followed by doing anything with an exponent. Here's the part that messes with people because they were too busy staring at the teacher's ass instead of PAYING ATTENTION.

The stupidity... it hurts.

You can "group" multiplication and division together, as you can group addition and subtraction together. When multiple operations of these groups exist (i.e. you'll have to multiply/divide more than once), you go from left to right, NOT MULTIPLYING EVERYFUCKINGTHING FIRST, THEN DIVIDING EVERYFUCKINGTHING AFTER YOU MULTIFUCKINGPLY.

6/2(2+1)

6/2(3)

6/6

1

We did it! We're correct! Right?

NO, DUMBASS.

You just did everything I told you not to do! People who fail to do this can graduate from school and do important jobs, like work in a hospital and stuff. How are they going to be able to administer doses of imadumbassexadrin and herpderpatonin when they can't even do PEMDAS correctly? Do people wonder why America is 17th in the world in education? It looks like I'm going to have to draw it out in crayon, like usual.

6/2(2+1)

6/2(3)

3(3)

9

We did it! Right?

YOU BET YOUR BEAUTIFUL ASS IT IS. THE ANSWER IS NINE.

(or 9 for those who can't read. You can't do order of operations, so you might read that as a different number, like 14 or Q)

You did it, dumbass!

There. I correctly answered this question. The answer is 9. Not 1, 9. If anyone tells you otherwise, punch them in the mouth so that their teeth fly into the back of their mouth, then snap their kneecaps. Hopefully you were paying attention and not thinking about asking Jennifer Simmons to the prom. She's going with me, so piss off. She doesn't want to go to the prom with a dumbass like you anyway.

Bloggers Community

Vegetarianism: The Anti-American Diet

Vegetarians, as defined by Webster's Dictionary, are people who practice or believe in vegetarianism, which is somewhat synonymous to being an herbivore. An American, as defined by the CanadaInAmerican Dictionary, is someone who enjoys eating mass amount of apple pie, freedom, and beef. By deductive reasoning, vegetarians are not American.

Before one jumps to conclusions, let me illustrate my points. Animal cruelty is wrong, and many systems that we have to supply meat to our nation (and the rest of the world) may be considered borderline cruel, especially considering many living conditions given to the animals that taste so good. However, it is in our species interests as humans to eat meat. It is in our taste bud's interests to eat meat, also. Shit's good, dude. The intentions behind vegetarianism aren't bad, believe me. There's nothing wrong with wanting to eat soy burgers for the rest of your life.... except for the taste. However, let us explore why vegetarianism isn't American.

Vegetarians cannot eat any meat. Meat is the main (and only) ingredient in hamburgers, hot dogs, and ham sandwiches. Done. Debate THAT. America.

Vegetarians boast about the healthier habits that come with eliminating meat from one's diet. If not eating meat is healthy, than consider me Miles Davis. The amount of brotein that comes with the servings of meat (and the type of brotein to be specific) only benefit the consumer of said meat products. It puts hair on your chest, and let's be real, the ladies LOVE a jungle on a man's torso. (see: every Hollywood character over the age of 37 ever) Brotein is essential to any living animal's diet, and you're not going to get protein from eating plants and soy and shit. It comes from a pig's soul (and torso) obviously. America.

Vegetarians also say that by eating no meat, it saves animals lives, which benefits everyone. Many of millions of chickens are killed every day to supply the ever growing supply of chicken. Beef products are a somewhat close second as America's favorite meat. By eating less beef, one is saving the planet and resources and hippie shit like that. But, by saving more cows, it actually could increase the amount of greenhouse gases emitted, and could increase the amount of global warming going on on our fine, fine planet. Al Gore may be a whackjob, but cows man, c'mon! These cows are proving this pussy right! It's in America's best interests to eat these cows to shut up Al Gore. Global warming is obviously NOT American. Cows fart. A lot. And they smell. We're doing a favor to the world by eating our delicious burgers. You're welcome, Zimbabwe. America.

Vegetarianism promotes terrorism and communism. I actually don't have any facts to back me up, but just take my word for it. America.

Finally, vegetarianism promotes the killing of live plants. What did that celery stalk ever do to YOU!? It's blatantly un-American to kill a living thing that doesn't deserve to die. Please, you're chopping down that celery stalk to add peanut butter and raisins to it, and put it out as a shitty appetizer to your even more shitty housewarming party full of douchey guests you've met once at that awful Christmas office party? Child, please. Those carrots and lettuce don't deserve to die the way they did - to supply food for a person who has trouble getting completely full on a "meal." Someone should take the plant's side on this one, because they're being brutally killed in mass killing fields also known as "farms." These farms have been made simply to harvest the "goodness" for fruits and vegetables grown just to die, which is also very un-American. If one is to kill a living object, please justify it's death somehow. Read it a prayer, or dress it up in a suit, or poop on it to fertilize it; I don't care. Just do the right thing. America.

As one can blatantly see, vegetarianism is so un-American that it's communist at this points. Once should avoid this veggie-loving diet like the plague and dig into a nice, juicy bacon cheeseburger cooked medium right this instant.***

@CanadaInAmerica

***Please note that I'm aware I've pissed off plenty of people in this highly sarcastic, satirical, and humorous post. This is not to degrade vegetarianism, but to propose that it is simply not America. While poking fun at the veggie-dorks, one must realize that it IS indeed easy to do so, and that I've decided to stretch stereotypes beyond the point of no return. If anyone took this whole article seriously, I hope you enjoy the rest of your life without a sense of humor. Any opinions and statements made in this post were for fun, and while I'm aware someone out there will be offended, please notice that this was made for entertainment and not to necessarily call out aforemetioned veggie-dorks. If anyone took offense, just drink a beer and eat a burger - life goes on. Douche. America.