The Do's And Do Not's Of Day Drinking

Day drinking is often associated with drinking holidays like St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo, sporting events, and funerals. Drinking while the sun is up is very different from the typical nighttime debauchery, though. To be able to survive an afternoon-long binge takes tact, talent, and most importantly, experience. You don't walk into a calculus test knowing two plus two equals banana - you have to have a strategy and knowledge of the topic. If you didn't know how to day drink, ask somebody. If they don't know, smack somebody. Lucky for you and your friend you were going to smack, I'm here to spit some knowledge on you fools.

DO: Pace yourself. Day drinking is a marathon, not a sprint. Lucky for me, I sprint marathons. Many others don't, though. If you go balls to the wall and try to be Senor Hardass and down drinks like a hipster downs soy milk, you will die. It's inevitable. Take your time and calm down on the chugging for a little bit to ensure you don't wake up in a fountain of your stomach contents.

DO NOT: Be a hero. Just because you're known for finishing 2 cases and a bottle of Absinthe in an hour doesn't mean you should, and especially not during the day. No one cares how much you drink during the day time, save the competition for the after hours festivities. Enjoy yourself and keep your buzz going. If you're day drinking, it's usually pretty damn nice outside, so enjoy it there, not on the couch with Sharpie dicks all over your face.

DO: Things you normally don't do at night. This includes large community drinking games, eating at sit-down restaurants, and play sports outside. At night, you can't stumble into your local Chinese buffet and devour eggrolls like a hyena in the wild. At night, you can't throw around a football or play some beer frisbee. At night, you can't grill enough food to feed the state of Montana. Enjoy the day time.

DO NOT: Make bad decisions with people of the opposite sex. I mean, yes, make terrible decisions, but it's the day time, dude! There is literally no reason to blame your nasty hookup because "it was dark and they looked cute." Any bad decision made while trying to get it in is all on you, not Mr. Moon. Save your bad judgement for when you can actually use that terrible excuse. 

DO: Take a nap, but only if necessary. You have a long night ahead of you, and balancing your level of inebriation to carry you over in the dark is a skill that only experienced alcoholics and black belts can do. (They teach some mind over matter shit in karate I think) If your body says you're tired, take a nap. Otherwise, you risk being the first one tired at the night time party, being entirely too drunk to function, or even worse, the terrible 11 o'clock hangover. If you can transition your body from daytime to nighttime without needing a nap, then go grab a cookie or find a gold medal to hang around your dick or something. But don't deny your body's needs.

Way to go, champ!

DO NOT: Attempt masculine feats. Just because it's the daytime and you're all jacked up doesn't mean you can jump that 4-foot fence or do a backflip. You couldn't do it sober, daytime or nighttime, so save the pissing contest for another time or risk being the guy who gets sent to the hospital with a shattered fibia because you thought you jump off the garage and dunk the basketball. No one will think less of you for not trying to whip your dick out, but you will be thought of poorly if you try to whip your dick out and get it chopped off. In conclusion, don't whip your dick, figuratively and literally. You never know when a mosquito might give you a bite on your happy place.

That's it for now. Remember to go into your next day drinking escapades with a plan and arm yourself with knowledge, or you may be the guy who wakes up with a missing eyebrow.

@CanadaInAmerica