The Personalities Behind Your Drink Of Choice

Regardless of what myth says, it's definitely true that each kind of alcohol can effect you in different ways. Your wine drunk is veeeery different from your typical beer drunk. Let us see:

Beer

Ah, beer. This delicious beverage has held civilizations together for generations upon generations. Everyone can enjoy a beer or two. When you enjoy twenty-one or twenty-two, however, everything becomes interesting. Beer is one of those beverages that can sneak up on you. After downing a pitcher or two, you may be fine, but the instant you stand up to drain the 'ol sea monster, it'll hit you like a Mike Tyson hook. You'll be stumbling like, well, a drunk. Slurring your words is probably the most common symptom of a beer drunk, as well as the overwhelming beer breath that comes with it. Drinking a lot of beer can usually bring one of the sloppiest drunks, as one can continue downing a few thinking they're fine over an extended period of time. Watch out, though, as this dark horse of alcohol can kick your ass.

Tequila

I hate tequila. I. HATE. Tequila. Anytime my liver and tequila get together for a date, I always end up in a bathtub with a sombrero on. How festive. Tequila can bring the party animal out of anyone, and can take you out quicker than a rhino tranquilizer. Usually when one drinks tequila without taking breaks for other drinks, there's a good chance they'll be down for the count shortly. But between their level and sobriety and "poop my pants" drunk state, they're raging like a man on steroids and cocaine locked in a cage. They'll never turn down a drink, and will be the first to do whatever stupid thing that everyone is egging them on to do. Need someone to do a body shot off of that 450-pound old dude? The tequila friend will do it! Better get to them fast though, because they may be praying to the porcelain gods shortly.

Jagermeister

Jager can blow me. This hell liquid is my downfall. When inducing Jager, one can expect to go hard, probably be pretty sloppy later, lose your shoes, and then will bring a 92% chance for bad decisions. If you can handle this bad boy, then you're a better man than I am. Enough said.

Wine

No one can ever say no to a bottle (or three) of wine. Wine gives the most unique drunk. Wine will give you a huge head drunk, blurring your vision rather quickly while still appearing to be somewhat coherent. Your body, on the other hand, may not feel so drunk, and you can probably still maintain your motor skills better than on a different kind of drunk. Of course, wine is oh so very classy which makes you classy while drinking it too. Who cares if you just threw up on your cat? You're drinking wine, you classy son of a bitch! Just as the head drunk is intense with wine drunk, so is the hangover you'll experience in the morning. Wine hangovers are THE worst, so many sure to chug a cup of water or two before passing out.

Vodka

Not sure what to drink? Vodka it is. This default beverage can mix with just about anything, which can factor into your type of drunk. If you're mixing pop and vodka and downing it, you can expect to be drunk and spazzed out on all the caffeine. The ever popular Gatorade and vodka combo will not only get you drunk, but it'll refuel your electrolytes too! Vodka to me is the typical drunk; even parts sloppy, even parts head and body drunk, even parts bad decisions. The worst part is just how awful it goes down too. Drinking it straight though can bring out your inner Soviet, putting so much hair on your chest that you won't know what to do with it. Bringing out your inner Soviet may bring out the anger that comes with the Soviets too, so watch out. Flavored vodkas don't seem to affect the type of drunk from my field research, so enjoy your new birthday cake flavored vodka!

Whiskey

The drink of ALL gentlemen's drinks, whiskey will get you feeling a good buzz faster than most other drinks, mostly because you're drinking it straight. But just like wine, you're a classy mofo when you're drinking whiskey. As with most liquors, you can expect a more intense head drunk compared to beer, but whiskey will tend to plateau at some point, leaving you in the fine balance of being intoxicated, but still able to operate and enjoy yourself. If you tip the balance of that in any way, there's a possibility of making for a less than fun night, so don't abuse the whiskey. Forget YOUR limits. Respect the whiskey's limits.

Rum

If you drink rum then you will become a pirate. Plain and simple.

Gin

I personally also cannot stand gin. This crappy pine tree juice tastes awful going down and tends to give a weird drunk that many cannot enjoy. It gives a more body drunk, which can be weird, as it feels like your head and body are separated, like some headless horseman shit. Gin, while used in many classy drinks such as martinis, can bring out an unexpected and unclassy side of a person that tends to reflect poorly. Gin makes people sloppy for some reason, and it's not like a classy whiskey or wine sloppy. It's about a notch or two down from the tequila sloppiness that can occur, except without the salt or limes. Unless enjoying a fine martini, I suggest you avoid gin, and it will want to avoid your stomach as much as possible.

@CanadaInAmerica

Types Of Blackouts Part 2

What, you thought there were only three kinds of blackouts we encounter when we torture our livers? You're sadly mistaken. Upon our scientific studies and field research, we've encountered even more types of blackouts to educate you on. We can guarantee one of your lame friends probably falls under one of these too. Observe...

The Angry Blackout

So get this: you walk into your friend's house and chat up a conversation with the cute girl in the corner. Out of fucking nowhere, a TV remote flies like a Randy Johnson fastball and sticks into the wall. You then hear a guttural scream that would even scare Bigfoot, followed by a series of battering ram-esque head butts to the window. So much for getting lucky tonight, as you're too busy running away from this disaster like ants under a magnifying glass. This type of blackout disaster tends to be a more rare breed, but always brings an interesting (and usually less than pleasant) experience. The angry blackout usually ends their night in a hospital bed with a plank through their arm or stuffed in the back of a cop car after a household appliance throwing frenzy. Avoid this guy like the plague, because anything in the path of this drunken tornado can and will be ripped to shreds. No one really knows how this person gets so furious, but this dark side tends to always come out when they pass the point of no return.

The Crying Blackout

Have you ever seen someone in the corner of the bar crying? Odds are, you have. You wander over to console this person and offer a hand of friendship. Little do you know that they're really crying because the last song played reminded her (these people are usually a 'her') of her pet hamster Willie that died 16 years ago in a tragic hamster wheel accident. Little do you also know that she's really not going to remember anything come tomorrow. The crying blackout really is self explanatory; they get drunk, and cry. They don't cry about anything important like friends or sports, though. They break out the waterworks for what seems like the dumbest shit. It must be important to them, though, which may make you question why someone is so upset that they had forgotten they lost their old 98 Degrees album in 4th grade. Daddy issues? Emotional issues? Simply just a hot mess? Who knows. The crying blackout tends to be a bit of a buzzkill, though. It was fun to poke fun at the crier the first 107 times, but after a while it just becomes pathetic. Seriously, you're supposed to be having a good time, not moping in a corner over spilt milk. No, I'm not kidding, she literally just spilt a cup of milk and may be suicidal now. This cheap novelty gets old after a while, but they don't want to leave. We suggest avoiding this blacked out mess, otherwise you're handcuffing yourself to an emotional train wreck for the rest of the night.

The Bad Influence Blackout

By day, they are your average person. Maybe even your best friend, perhaps. But come nightfall, this enabler and instigator will get you into so many shenanigans that will make you eligible for an episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive." We're not sure what does it, but when alcohol mixes with this person's body, it sends the gears in their head spinning so fast that any person within a 2 mile radius is subject to his debauchery. A few hours ago, this guy and yourself were leaving the office. Now, you're at the bar doing a handstand with a stripper doing shots off your taint. But wait, there's more! How did you get to White Castle, and why are you showering in Big Red while hitting on the 57-year-old decrepit cashier? And why is there a Walmart receipt in your left back pocket for five bottles of KY Jelly, a tennis racquet, and bird feed? While your night may be a blur, you know this person is (almost) always a great time, even though they really won't remember getting into some sticky situations (literally). You're not sure why, but you do everything that this blackout demands. Somewhere between the verbal onslaughts of "YOU WON'T!"'s and "Duuuuude, don't be a pussy!", you decide that downtown drunken parkour really IS a great idea, even though you really know it's not. This blackout makes for some of the best stories, but there's a good chance you exchange a lot of your dignity or stomach contents for that story.

@CanadaInAmerica with help from guest contributer @dylan_helber

The Do's And Do Not's Of Day Drinking

Day drinking is often associated with drinking holidays like St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo, sporting events, and funerals. Drinking while the sun is up is very different from the typical nighttime debauchery, though. To be able to survive an afternoon-long binge takes tact, talent, and most importantly, experience. You don't walk into a calculus test knowing two plus two equals banana - you have to have a strategy and knowledge of the topic. If you didn't know how to day drink, ask somebody. If they don't know, smack somebody. Lucky for you and your friend you were going to smack, I'm here to spit some knowledge on you fools.

DO: Pace yourself. Day drinking is a marathon, not a sprint. Lucky for me, I sprint marathons. Many others don't, though. If you go balls to the wall and try to be Senor Hardass and down drinks like a hipster downs soy milk, you will die. It's inevitable. Take your time and calm down on the chugging for a little bit to ensure you don't wake up in a fountain of your stomach contents.

DO NOT: Be a hero. Just because you're known for finishing 2 cases and a bottle of Absinthe in an hour doesn't mean you should, and especially not during the day. No one cares how much you drink during the day time, save the competition for the after hours festivities. Enjoy yourself and keep your buzz going. If you're day drinking, it's usually pretty damn nice outside, so enjoy it there, not on the couch with Sharpie dicks all over your face.

DO: Things you normally don't do at night. This includes large community drinking games, eating at sit-down restaurants, and play sports outside. At night, you can't stumble into your local Chinese buffet and devour eggrolls like a hyena in the wild. At night, you can't throw around a football or play some beer frisbee. At night, you can't grill enough food to feed the state of Montana. Enjoy the day time.

DO NOT: Make bad decisions with people of the opposite sex. I mean, yes, make terrible decisions, but it's the day time, dude! There is literally no reason to blame your nasty hookup because "it was dark and they looked cute." Any bad decision made while trying to get it in is all on you, not Mr. Moon. Save your bad judgement for when you can actually use that terrible excuse. 

DO: Take a nap, but only if necessary. You have a long night ahead of you, and balancing your level of inebriation to carry you over in the dark is a skill that only experienced alcoholics and black belts can do. (They teach some mind over matter shit in karate I think) If your body says you're tired, take a nap. Otherwise, you risk being the first one tired at the night time party, being entirely too drunk to function, or even worse, the terrible 11 o'clock hangover. If you can transition your body from daytime to nighttime without needing a nap, then go grab a cookie or find a gold medal to hang around your dick or something. But don't deny your body's needs.

Way to go, champ!

DO NOT: Attempt masculine feats. Just because it's the daytime and you're all jacked up doesn't mean you can jump that 4-foot fence or do a backflip. You couldn't do it sober, daytime or nighttime, so save the pissing contest for another time or risk being the guy who gets sent to the hospital with a shattered fibia because you thought you jump off the garage and dunk the basketball. No one will think less of you for not trying to whip your dick out, but you will be thought of poorly if you try to whip your dick out and get it chopped off. In conclusion, don't whip your dick, figuratively and literally. You never know when a mosquito might give you a bite on your happy place.

That's it for now. Remember to go into your next day drinking escapades with a plan and arm yourself with knowledge, or you may be the guy who wakes up with a missing eyebrow.

@CanadaInAmerica

Types Of Blackouts

Let's be real with ourselves -- we all have had a little too much to drink sometimes and we end up waking up in the morning thinking to ourselves, "What the hell happened?" The answer to that may differ from blackout to blackout, with the only similarity being that we don't remember shit. What happens during our mini episode of Alzheimer's depends on the type of blackout we have. Now, I know what you're thinking - "There aren't different types of blackouts, dumbass. You just get drunk, do something stupid, and not remember lolol." My amigo, you couldn't be farther from the truth. Let us divulge ourselves into one of life's greatest mysteries: who we are when we blackout.

The Sloppy Blackout

Awarded "Least Likely To Hold His Alcohol" in high school

This is the most common type of blackout there is. You have a few too many shots and fall into a black hole of sloppiness rivaled only by the Flirty Blackout. You, in a way, become THAT guy. You are the person who trips over the pong table and flips it over, soaking everyone within a 5 foot radius and sending John to the hospital with a torn Achilles. You are the person who trips down a flight of steps and runs headfirst into the second story window. You are the person who mistakes the brochacho's dip spit container for a half full beer. These people often make for good stories and leave the victim with a damaged ego that makes then want to retire more than Brett Favre. Common symptoms for an incoming Sloppy Blackout include rambunctious hollering, gratuitous use of the word "bro," and the willingness to accept any bet, dare, or challenge put in their way. Ways to handle someone suffering from a Sloppy Blackout include, well, throwing any bet, dare, or challenge their way. Let's be real, you could get away with murder and the Blackoutee wouldn't remember. Use this power wisely.

  The Flirty Blackout

This guy!

One of the more entertaining forms of the blackout is the Flirty Blackout. This person goes into the night determined to take someone home, and by golly no one can stop 'em. Through hell or high water, they're gettin' it in tonight. As the night goes on, however, and the victim becomes more and more inebriated, the "game" this person is spitting sounds more like Dick Clark hosting New Years Eve. What was now a 3 on the scale is now an 8, but they don't need to know that! Where the ultimate sloppiness comes in is when the Blackoutee finally gets the catch of the night and is against the wall, licking the face of their partner like a popsicle on the 4th of July. The moves of this player-in-training rival that of a socially awkward llama. Symptoms of an incoming Flirty Blackout include awkward smiles whenever a member of the opposite sex pass, slurred pick up lines (diiiidd iiisss ddiiieeee nnn gooo tuh heeehhvunn be*hiccup*cus youu faayyysseee iissss liicckkkk aa mmuudd p-p-puuddllee), and the occasional over-the-top ass slap. A way to deal with this type of victim is to point them to the nearest person who would make for a great story tomorrow.

The Functioning Blackout

I'm drunk... and better than you!

On occasion, you'll run into someone who you can tell is blacked out, but still manages to function rather well. They can hold a decent conversation without sounding like Daffy Duck, maintains the dexterity of a 14-year old Chinese gymnast, and could probably debate the pros and cons of Reaganomics at a collegiate level while doing a handstand. This rare gem of a drinker is who alcoholics aspire to be. When they wake up in the morning, they may be often surprised about how coherent they appeared. You, on the other hand, are surprised they don't remember a minute of it. Symptoms of a Functioning Blackoutee include obnoxious debates about the 1977 World's Fair, shaking hands and kissing babies, and winning 37 games of pong in a row. How do you deal with people like this? You don't. You watch and learn, young padawon.

That's all for now, stay tuned for the next series of Types Of Blackouts in the future. And yes, I know I'm going to hell for some of the references made.

@CanadaInAmerica

How I Lost Everything

A lot of blogs start out their first posts with a cliche little tidbit about what they're writing about, why they're writing, and what to expect. I will probably write about whatever I want, including sports, music and other things I notice. Oh, and I'll include stories deemed necessary for retelling. This is one of those stories.

The week of February 26th was a much anticipated one. It was going to be a 5 day visit to Fort Lauderdale, Florida for my last college spring break. (Yes, spring break in February. I don't get it either.) After the hellish week that led up to break ended, it was finally time to travel south. After a nice visit to the bars at two airports, we arrived in sunny Ft. Laudy and made our way to the hotel. This scenario is another story in itself - I may explain it later. All you need to know is that instead of staying in a hotel that was slightly reminiscent of a trap from the Saw movies, we upgraded to the Hilton.

The night of Sunday, February 26th started out like any other typical spring break night; hanging out in a pool/hot tub with a Long Island in hand. The hot tub was broken though, and spewing cold water that could have very well formed icebergs. A friend and I (let's call him Bill) decide to hit the bars for one drink. One drink. Upon the rest of the group's demands to stay back, Bill and I venture into the bars. We reach a place called Big Kahuna and grab a Dos Equis. Having a Dos Equis on draft is like drinking water out of the Fountain of Youth. It was one of the best things I've ever put into my mouth. Dos Equis on draft makes colors brighter, water clearer, and puts hair on your chest.

Anyway, Bill and I strike up conversation with a girl who we found out bartends at another bar. She was obviously uninterested in her friends enough to ignore them and chat with two blatantly touristy people. Since Big Kahuna is as empty as a Nickelback concert, we ask where the local hot spot(s) is/were. The consensus: Fat Cat's. Fat Cat's was about 3-4 miles away, but we were told that there's drunk shuttles to and from out area and downtown Fort Lauderdale, where Fat Cat's is. We wait at the corner we were told, but nothing came. We decide to walk down the road it was allegedly on - Las Olas. We begin our trek, hoping to spot one of these drunk shuttles.

We walk a mile and run into zero drunk shuttles. How there were no drunk shuttles available to kids on spring break is beyond me. Bill and I decide to attempt to flag a taxi. We walk another mile or so before we even see a taxi, however, and the first two drove right by us/almost hit us. We did see some nice yachts though! We finally flag down a taxi and it drives us another 3ish miles to Fat Cat's. Had we not have found a taxi, we may have been wandering around downtown Fort Laudy aimlessly for who knows how long, which will become ironic shortly.

Finally, we arrive at Fat Cat's and enjoy a local beer. This is now drink three for the night. Remember when we said we were getting a single drink? Yeaahhhh..... We sit down at the bar and grab a shot of the bartenders choice, which ended up bring straight liqour. Great, as if Bill and I weren't bad enough. We meet this local weirdo and are instantly attracted to him. After bullshitting with him for a bit, we find out it's his birthday. Celebration drinks are in order.

Now, anyone who knows me that there is one liquid that I refuse to put in my body. This devil drink always leads to my downfall, and anyone who can stomach this terrible, terrible substance is admittedly a better person than myself.  I put this drink with other things I hate the most, including drivers from Chicago, pop-up banners, Facebook duck faces, and the University of Michigan. This drink is the one and only Jagermeister.

So what other drink would we get when we decide to get celebration drinks for this birthday weirdo? Of course. A shot of Jager is put in front of me, and this is the point of no return and where the story picks up. I can't say no to a drink someone else bought me because of a birthday, so I reluctantly throw this dose of Satan's piss down my throat and make a face that could scare away anyone. I am not happy.

This is one of the last two things I remember from that night, with the second thing me conversing with the DJ and buying him a drink since it happened to be his birthday too. I can only imagine how sloppy that conversation was. That DJ birthday drink put our total at 7 drinks for the night. So much for one drink. This is on top of the gratuitous amount already consumed within the confines of the luxurious Hilton. Much like aluminum foil and Clorox, this is a recipe for disaster.

The last time I remembered seeing a clock was around 2:30am, so let's fast forward 4 and a half hours.

I finally come to, already on my feet and walking around what I assume is still Fort Lauderdale. I realize my feet hurt and look down. I'm missing my shoes. What a disaster. I put my hand in my right pocket to grab my iPhone and call my friends to come find me. I'm missing my iPhone. Great. It's really bright out, especially for what I think is 7am. I'm missing my sunglasses, although my croakies are still on me... Alright, after somehow remaining calm, I decide I'll just grab a taxi and have it take me home. I reach in my left pocket to grab my wallet. I'm missing my wallet.

Within 270 minutes, I manage to lose my wallet, iPhone, Sperry's, and sunglasses while "waking up" in the middle of walking around Fort Lauderdale. Oh, I threw up on my shirt too. Forget to mention that. Bill is nowhere to be seen either. I put the "walk of shame" to shame, and still didn't get any. (That I know of.....) I literally have no clue what to do, so my still intoxicated self decides to continue walking. I walk forward and all of a sudden, things look up - the road in front of me is Las Olas, the road we took to get to Fat Cat's! I turn a right and begin walking.

I realize that turning right was in fact a terrible idea, as I later found out that had I turned left, I would have walked right onto the beach our group was as the day before, and could walk back to the Hilton in no more than 15 minutes. Instead, I'm walking straight towards downtown Fort Lauderdale AGAIN without realizing it.

I kept walking.... and walking... and walking. My feet were so raw at this point that I began walking through every puddle and grass patch to give my feet relief. I probably did look homeless at this point. I  walk a total of what I later found out to be 3.5 miles barefoot. After a few blind turns, I end up at the outskirts of a neighborhood walking about 50 feet behind a man who was probably legitimately homeless. All of a sudden, a cop car pulls to the side of the road. The female officer/angel/savior shouts at both myself and the man in front of me. She later signals for me and we begin conversing.

She asks what I'm doing and all the typical police things. She asks for ID which I obviously can't prove. I come to find out that the officer stopped me because she thought I was homeless. Awesome. After convincing her I was not homeless but was instead visiting from Ohio and staying at the Hilton, she utters the best seven words I've ever heard. Even better than "You. Me. Back seat of the cruiser." These words were "Let me give you a ride back." I wanted to collapse and sing, except I had lost my voice as well.

We chit chat as I'm riding in the back seat of a cop car, which is a first for me believe it or not. All the cop talks about are other bars in the area. I don't think she realized how insulting she was being to me as I was missing my ID to get into aforementioned bars, but I was too exhausted to care. After driving for 20 minutes, I arrive back at the Hilton and the cop drops me off. I begin walking through the lobby of the Hilton shoeless and covered in vomit. I can only imagine what everyone was thinking when I walked in the lobby, or why security wasn't called on the homeless man that looks like he escaped from the insane asylum. I ride the elevator up and bang on the room door. I walk right in, take the newspaper, and chuck it at Bill, who was sleeping conveniently in the middle of the floor.

I never did find my sunglasses, wallet, iPhone, shoes, or dignity. What I've pieced together is that Bill and I actually took a taxi back home and when it parked, I decided to jump out the taxi and bolt away from the taxi, hotel, and Bill. Apparently Bill entered the hotel room without me on the verge of tears, as he probably thought I was out getting molested by a pack of hobos, which at this point is a total possibility.

Here's the shirt I was wearing. Note that this is the back of the shirt. I still have no idea how or why my stomach contents ended up on the back of the shirt and not the front.....

And thus concludes the story of how I lost anything. Expect more stories, opinions, and other noteworthy articles in the future.

@CanadaInAmerica