Types Of Blackouts

Let's be real with ourselves -- we all have had a little too much to drink sometimes and we end up waking up in the morning thinking to ourselves, "What the hell happened?" The answer to that may differ from blackout to blackout, with the only similarity being that we don't remember shit. What happens during our mini episode of Alzheimer's depends on the type of blackout we have. Now, I know what you're thinking - "There aren't different types of blackouts, dumbass. You just get drunk, do something stupid, and not remember lolol." My amigo, you couldn't be farther from the truth. Let us divulge ourselves into one of life's greatest mysteries: who we are when we blackout.

The Sloppy Blackout

Awarded "Least Likely To Hold His Alcohol" in high school

This is the most common type of blackout there is. You have a few too many shots and fall into a black hole of sloppiness rivaled only by the Flirty Blackout. You, in a way, become THAT guy. You are the person who trips over the pong table and flips it over, soaking everyone within a 5 foot radius and sending John to the hospital with a torn Achilles. You are the person who trips down a flight of steps and runs headfirst into the second story window. You are the person who mistakes the brochacho's dip spit container for a half full beer. These people often make for good stories and leave the victim with a damaged ego that makes then want to retire more than Brett Favre. Common symptoms for an incoming Sloppy Blackout include rambunctious hollering, gratuitous use of the word "bro," and the willingness to accept any bet, dare, or challenge put in their way. Ways to handle someone suffering from a Sloppy Blackout include, well, throwing any bet, dare, or challenge their way. Let's be real, you could get away with murder and the Blackoutee wouldn't remember. Use this power wisely.

  The Flirty Blackout

This guy!

One of the more entertaining forms of the blackout is the Flirty Blackout. This person goes into the night determined to take someone home, and by golly no one can stop 'em. Through hell or high water, they're gettin' it in tonight. As the night goes on, however, and the victim becomes more and more inebriated, the "game" this person is spitting sounds more like Dick Clark hosting New Years Eve. What was now a 3 on the scale is now an 8, but they don't need to know that! Where the ultimate sloppiness comes in is when the Blackoutee finally gets the catch of the night and is against the wall, licking the face of their partner like a popsicle on the 4th of July. The moves of this player-in-training rival that of a socially awkward llama. Symptoms of an incoming Flirty Blackout include awkward smiles whenever a member of the opposite sex pass, slurred pick up lines (diiiidd iiisss ddiiieeee nnn gooo tuh heeehhvunn be*hiccup*cus youu faayyysseee iissss liicckkkk aa mmuudd p-p-puuddllee), and the occasional over-the-top ass slap. A way to deal with this type of victim is to point them to the nearest person who would make for a great story tomorrow.

The Functioning Blackout

I'm drunk... and better than you!

On occasion, you'll run into someone who you can tell is blacked out, but still manages to function rather well. They can hold a decent conversation without sounding like Daffy Duck, maintains the dexterity of a 14-year old Chinese gymnast, and could probably debate the pros and cons of Reaganomics at a collegiate level while doing a handstand. This rare gem of a drinker is who alcoholics aspire to be. When they wake up in the morning, they may be often surprised about how coherent they appeared. You, on the other hand, are surprised they don't remember a minute of it. Symptoms of a Functioning Blackoutee include obnoxious debates about the 1977 World's Fair, shaking hands and kissing babies, and winning 37 games of pong in a row. How do you deal with people like this? You don't. You watch and learn, young padawon.

That's all for now, stay tuned for the next series of Types Of Blackouts in the future. And yes, I know I'm going to hell for some of the references made.

@CanadaInAmerica