Types Of Blackouts Part 2

What, you thought there were only three kinds of blackouts we encounter when we torture our livers? You're sadly mistaken. Upon our scientific studies and field research, we've encountered even more types of blackouts to educate you on. We can guarantee one of your lame friends probably falls under one of these too. Observe...

The Angry Blackout

So get this: you walk into your friend's house and chat up a conversation with the cute girl in the corner. Out of fucking nowhere, a TV remote flies like a Randy Johnson fastball and sticks into the wall. You then hear a guttural scream that would even scare Bigfoot, followed by a series of battering ram-esque head butts to the window. So much for getting lucky tonight, as you're too busy running away from this disaster like ants under a magnifying glass. This type of blackout disaster tends to be a more rare breed, but always brings an interesting (and usually less than pleasant) experience. The angry blackout usually ends their night in a hospital bed with a plank through their arm or stuffed in the back of a cop car after a household appliance throwing frenzy. Avoid this guy like the plague, because anything in the path of this drunken tornado can and will be ripped to shreds. No one really knows how this person gets so furious, but this dark side tends to always come out when they pass the point of no return.

The Crying Blackout

Have you ever seen someone in the corner of the bar crying? Odds are, you have. You wander over to console this person and offer a hand of friendship. Little do you know that they're really crying because the last song played reminded her (these people are usually a 'her') of her pet hamster Willie that died 16 years ago in a tragic hamster wheel accident. Little do you also know that she's really not going to remember anything come tomorrow. The crying blackout really is self explanatory; they get drunk, and cry. They don't cry about anything important like friends or sports, though. They break out the waterworks for what seems like the dumbest shit. It must be important to them, though, which may make you question why someone is so upset that they had forgotten they lost their old 98 Degrees album in 4th grade. Daddy issues? Emotional issues? Simply just a hot mess? Who knows. The crying blackout tends to be a bit of a buzzkill, though. It was fun to poke fun at the crier the first 107 times, but after a while it just becomes pathetic. Seriously, you're supposed to be having a good time, not moping in a corner over spilt milk. No, I'm not kidding, she literally just spilt a cup of milk and may be suicidal now. This cheap novelty gets old after a while, but they don't want to leave. We suggest avoiding this blacked out mess, otherwise you're handcuffing yourself to an emotional train wreck for the rest of the night.

The Bad Influence Blackout

By day, they are your average person. Maybe even your best friend, perhaps. But come nightfall, this enabler and instigator will get you into so many shenanigans that will make you eligible for an episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive." We're not sure what does it, but when alcohol mixes with this person's body, it sends the gears in their head spinning so fast that any person within a 2 mile radius is subject to his debauchery. A few hours ago, this guy and yourself were leaving the office. Now, you're at the bar doing a handstand with a stripper doing shots off your taint. But wait, there's more! How did you get to White Castle, and why are you showering in Big Red while hitting on the 57-year-old decrepit cashier? And why is there a Walmart receipt in your left back pocket for five bottles of KY Jelly, a tennis racquet, and bird feed? While your night may be a blur, you know this person is (almost) always a great time, even though they really won't remember getting into some sticky situations (literally). You're not sure why, but you do everything that this blackout demands. Somewhere between the verbal onslaughts of "YOU WON'T!"'s and "Duuuuude, don't be a pussy!", you decide that downtown drunken parkour really IS a great idea, even though you really know it's not. This blackout makes for some of the best stories, but there's a good chance you exchange a lot of your dignity or stomach contents for that story.

@CanadaInAmerica with help from guest contributer @dylan_helber

Types Of Blackouts

Let's be real with ourselves -- we all have had a little too much to drink sometimes and we end up waking up in the morning thinking to ourselves, "What the hell happened?" The answer to that may differ from blackout to blackout, with the only similarity being that we don't remember shit. What happens during our mini episode of Alzheimer's depends on the type of blackout we have. Now, I know what you're thinking - "There aren't different types of blackouts, dumbass. You just get drunk, do something stupid, and not remember lolol." My amigo, you couldn't be farther from the truth. Let us divulge ourselves into one of life's greatest mysteries: who we are when we blackout.

The Sloppy Blackout

Awarded "Least Likely To Hold His Alcohol" in high school

This is the most common type of blackout there is. You have a few too many shots and fall into a black hole of sloppiness rivaled only by the Flirty Blackout. You, in a way, become THAT guy. You are the person who trips over the pong table and flips it over, soaking everyone within a 5 foot radius and sending John to the hospital with a torn Achilles. You are the person who trips down a flight of steps and runs headfirst into the second story window. You are the person who mistakes the brochacho's dip spit container for a half full beer. These people often make for good stories and leave the victim with a damaged ego that makes then want to retire more than Brett Favre. Common symptoms for an incoming Sloppy Blackout include rambunctious hollering, gratuitous use of the word "bro," and the willingness to accept any bet, dare, or challenge put in their way. Ways to handle someone suffering from a Sloppy Blackout include, well, throwing any bet, dare, or challenge their way. Let's be real, you could get away with murder and the Blackoutee wouldn't remember. Use this power wisely.

  The Flirty Blackout

This guy!

One of the more entertaining forms of the blackout is the Flirty Blackout. This person goes into the night determined to take someone home, and by golly no one can stop 'em. Through hell or high water, they're gettin' it in tonight. As the night goes on, however, and the victim becomes more and more inebriated, the "game" this person is spitting sounds more like Dick Clark hosting New Years Eve. What was now a 3 on the scale is now an 8, but they don't need to know that! Where the ultimate sloppiness comes in is when the Blackoutee finally gets the catch of the night and is against the wall, licking the face of their partner like a popsicle on the 4th of July. The moves of this player-in-training rival that of a socially awkward llama. Symptoms of an incoming Flirty Blackout include awkward smiles whenever a member of the opposite sex pass, slurred pick up lines (diiiidd iiisss ddiiieeee nnn gooo tuh heeehhvunn be*hiccup*cus youu faayyysseee iissss liicckkkk aa mmuudd p-p-puuddllee), and the occasional over-the-top ass slap. A way to deal with this type of victim is to point them to the nearest person who would make for a great story tomorrow.

The Functioning Blackout

I'm drunk... and better than you!

On occasion, you'll run into someone who you can tell is blacked out, but still manages to function rather well. They can hold a decent conversation without sounding like Daffy Duck, maintains the dexterity of a 14-year old Chinese gymnast, and could probably debate the pros and cons of Reaganomics at a collegiate level while doing a handstand. This rare gem of a drinker is who alcoholics aspire to be. When they wake up in the morning, they may be often surprised about how coherent they appeared. You, on the other hand, are surprised they don't remember a minute of it. Symptoms of a Functioning Blackoutee include obnoxious debates about the 1977 World's Fair, shaking hands and kissing babies, and winning 37 games of pong in a row. How do you deal with people like this? You don't. You watch and learn, young padawon.

That's all for now, stay tuned for the next series of Types Of Blackouts in the future. And yes, I know I'm going to hell for some of the references made.

@CanadaInAmerica