Shit Stupid People Say

No, this isn't another video about shit llamas say or anything. This is, however, a rant about the stupid, overused phrases that the world needs to stop saying this instant. There are many reasons for why these terms needs to cease and desist. Some of them are just annoying, some make you sound like an uneducated dumbass, while some just make you look like an idiot when you say them. These are those terms:

"You Only Live Once"

No shit Sherlock, how long did it take for you to realize this one? If I lived more than once, I'd be a sweet ass velociraptor and not some guy writing blog articles about stupid phrases. This phrase has been around for a while, but then that guy Drake made a song about The Motto and now anyone who wants to be accepted is adding "YOLO" to the end of everything daring they think they're doing. No one cares that you're eating a donut while on your diet because you only live once. I sure as hell don't care if you don't buckle your seatbelt because YOLO. You sound like a crazed teen band fan girl, except with less brain cells. If you're going to pick a different inspirational quote, pick one that can affect people, something like "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I'd much rather people say SFTMEIYMYLATS than YOLO, because at the end of the day, YOLO both sounds like a ripoff clothing line and a dirty thing people do their wives at the end of the day. SFTMEIYMYLATS just sounds dumb, but has a real core meaning to it that can appeal to people who don't listen to mainstream media. Stop saying this dumb, overused phrase or I'll end your life that you only live once. Please.

"Dat Shit Cray/Cray Cray"

I want to hit Kanye West in the face with a fish stick for coining this dumb phrase. Made famous by being blurted out in Kanye's collab with Jay-Z, "Niggas In Paris," everyone has decided to lower themselves to the literacy of a flower by shouting this anytime something potentially wild may happen. There are so many other synonomical verses one can speak instead of "dat shit cray," including "That's nucking futs!", "Off the chain, yo!", and even the once overused term "This shit is bananas!" Nothing is "cray" about this phrase except for the amount of people using it, and the fact people still willingly use it despite using a word that is clearly missing a letter. Your 4th grade English teacher would slap the crap out of you if they ever heard you say "dat shit cray." Knock it off, crayfish.

"Sorry For Partying"

Oh, I get it! You went out last night and got like SUUUUPER wasted, and then tell everyone about all the crazy shenanigans you got into, and then you spout out "lol sorry 4 parteying!1" because you're really NOT sorry you partied! It all makes sense now. While the ladies in the pictures may be easy on the eyes, you still sound like an idiot saying this. In a world that has glamorized partying, this phrase just makes me think of that try-hard Kesha and her stupid antics. You don't want to be like her, do you? She's not even good looking. Anyway, this phrase is so overdone, especially by girls, who feel the need to stick it to the man because they had 14 cherry bombs and threw up on the bouncer. Sorry for partying! Everyone parties/has partied, and no one really cares if one does so. No need to address to the world how cool you are (not).

"Swag"

I may not fully understand the concept of swag, but from what I've picked up, it's what lame and uncool people need to get laid. To me, swag is attempting to bring your style into a world where everyone is the same. Well, if everyone is trying to bring their own style, wouldn't that make everyone trying to bring in swag, swagless? Swag is like the hipster, but only with flashy jewelry and stupid limps while walking. This fad needs to stop. If you need swag to get along in life, then you should reevaluate your life then. Leave swag at the curb, next to where the hookers and trash are. Find skill, intelligence, and logic, and then you won't need this "cure-all" swag.

@CanadaInAmerica

Types Of Blackouts

Let's be real with ourselves -- we all have had a little too much to drink sometimes and we end up waking up in the morning thinking to ourselves, "What the hell happened?" The answer to that may differ from blackout to blackout, with the only similarity being that we don't remember shit. What happens during our mini episode of Alzheimer's depends on the type of blackout we have. Now, I know what you're thinking - "There aren't different types of blackouts, dumbass. You just get drunk, do something stupid, and not remember lolol." My amigo, you couldn't be farther from the truth. Let us divulge ourselves into one of life's greatest mysteries: who we are when we blackout.

The Sloppy Blackout

Awarded "Least Likely To Hold His Alcohol" in high school

This is the most common type of blackout there is. You have a few too many shots and fall into a black hole of sloppiness rivaled only by the Flirty Blackout. You, in a way, become THAT guy. You are the person who trips over the pong table and flips it over, soaking everyone within a 5 foot radius and sending John to the hospital with a torn Achilles. You are the person who trips down a flight of steps and runs headfirst into the second story window. You are the person who mistakes the brochacho's dip spit container for a half full beer. These people often make for good stories and leave the victim with a damaged ego that makes then want to retire more than Brett Favre. Common symptoms for an incoming Sloppy Blackout include rambunctious hollering, gratuitous use of the word "bro," and the willingness to accept any bet, dare, or challenge put in their way. Ways to handle someone suffering from a Sloppy Blackout include, well, throwing any bet, dare, or challenge their way. Let's be real, you could get away with murder and the Blackoutee wouldn't remember. Use this power wisely.

  The Flirty Blackout

This guy!

One of the more entertaining forms of the blackout is the Flirty Blackout. This person goes into the night determined to take someone home, and by golly no one can stop 'em. Through hell or high water, they're gettin' it in tonight. As the night goes on, however, and the victim becomes more and more inebriated, the "game" this person is spitting sounds more like Dick Clark hosting New Years Eve. What was now a 3 on the scale is now an 8, but they don't need to know that! Where the ultimate sloppiness comes in is when the Blackoutee finally gets the catch of the night and is against the wall, licking the face of their partner like a popsicle on the 4th of July. The moves of this player-in-training rival that of a socially awkward llama. Symptoms of an incoming Flirty Blackout include awkward smiles whenever a member of the opposite sex pass, slurred pick up lines (diiiidd iiisss ddiiieeee nnn gooo tuh heeehhvunn be*hiccup*cus youu faayyysseee iissss liicckkkk aa mmuudd p-p-puuddllee), and the occasional over-the-top ass slap. A way to deal with this type of victim is to point them to the nearest person who would make for a great story tomorrow.

The Functioning Blackout

I'm drunk... and better than you!

On occasion, you'll run into someone who you can tell is blacked out, but still manages to function rather well. They can hold a decent conversation without sounding like Daffy Duck, maintains the dexterity of a 14-year old Chinese gymnast, and could probably debate the pros and cons of Reaganomics at a collegiate level while doing a handstand. This rare gem of a drinker is who alcoholics aspire to be. When they wake up in the morning, they may be often surprised about how coherent they appeared. You, on the other hand, are surprised they don't remember a minute of it. Symptoms of a Functioning Blackoutee include obnoxious debates about the 1977 World's Fair, shaking hands and kissing babies, and winning 37 games of pong in a row. How do you deal with people like this? You don't. You watch and learn, young padawon.

That's all for now, stay tuned for the next series of Types Of Blackouts in the future. And yes, I know I'm going to hell for some of the references made.

@CanadaInAmerica