Vegetarianism: The Anti-American Diet

Vegetarians, as defined by Webster's Dictionary, are people who practice or believe in vegetarianism, which is somewhat synonymous to being an herbivore. An American, as defined by the CanadaInAmerican Dictionary, is someone who enjoys eating mass amount of apple pie, freedom, and beef. By deductive reasoning, vegetarians are not American.

Before one jumps to conclusions, let me illustrate my points. Animal cruelty is wrong, and many systems that we have to supply meat to our nation (and the rest of the world) may be considered borderline cruel, especially considering many living conditions given to the animals that taste so good. However, it is in our species interests as humans to eat meat. It is in our taste bud's interests to eat meat, also. Shit's good, dude. The intentions behind vegetarianism aren't bad, believe me. There's nothing wrong with wanting to eat soy burgers for the rest of your life.... except for the taste. However, let us explore why vegetarianism isn't American.

Vegetarians cannot eat any meat. Meat is the main (and only) ingredient in hamburgers, hot dogs, and ham sandwiches. Done. Debate THAT. America.

Vegetarians boast about the healthier habits that come with eliminating meat from one's diet. If not eating meat is healthy, than consider me Miles Davis. The amount of brotein that comes with the servings of meat (and the type of brotein to be specific) only benefit the consumer of said meat products. It puts hair on your chest, and let's be real, the ladies LOVE a jungle on a man's torso. (see: every Hollywood character over the age of 37 ever) Brotein is essential to any living animal's diet, and you're not going to get protein from eating plants and soy and shit. It comes from a pig's soul (and torso) obviously. America.

Vegetarians also say that by eating no meat, it saves animals lives, which benefits everyone. Many of millions of chickens are killed every day to supply the ever growing supply of chicken. Beef products are a somewhat close second as America's favorite meat. By eating less beef, one is saving the planet and resources and hippie shit like that. But, by saving more cows, it actually could increase the amount of greenhouse gases emitted, and could increase the amount of global warming going on on our fine, fine planet. Al Gore may be a whackjob, but cows man, c'mon! These cows are proving this pussy right! It's in America's best interests to eat these cows to shut up Al Gore. Global warming is obviously NOT American. Cows fart. A lot. And they smell. We're doing a favor to the world by eating our delicious burgers. You're welcome, Zimbabwe. America.

Vegetarianism promotes terrorism and communism. I actually don't have any facts to back me up, but just take my word for it. America.

Finally, vegetarianism promotes the killing of live plants. What did that celery stalk ever do to YOU!? It's blatantly un-American to kill a living thing that doesn't deserve to die. Please, you're chopping down that celery stalk to add peanut butter and raisins to it, and put it out as a shitty appetizer to your even more shitty housewarming party full of douchey guests you've met once at that awful Christmas office party? Child, please. Those carrots and lettuce don't deserve to die the way they did - to supply food for a person who has trouble getting completely full on a "meal." Someone should take the plant's side on this one, because they're being brutally killed in mass killing fields also known as "farms." These farms have been made simply to harvest the "goodness" for fruits and vegetables grown just to die, which is also very un-American. If one is to kill a living object, please justify it's death somehow. Read it a prayer, or dress it up in a suit, or poop on it to fertilize it; I don't care. Just do the right thing. America.

As one can blatantly see, vegetarianism is so un-American that it's communist at this points. Once should avoid this veggie-loving diet like the plague and dig into a nice, juicy bacon cheeseburger cooked medium right this instant.***

@CanadaInAmerica

***Please note that I'm aware I've pissed off plenty of people in this highly sarcastic, satirical, and humorous post. This is not to degrade vegetarianism, but to propose that it is simply not America. While poking fun at the veggie-dorks, one must realize that it IS indeed easy to do so, and that I've decided to stretch stereotypes beyond the point of no return. If anyone took this whole article seriously, I hope you enjoy the rest of your life without a sense of humor. Any opinions and statements made in this post were for fun, and while I'm aware someone out there will be offended, please notice that this was made for entertainment and not to necessarily call out aforemetioned veggie-dorks. If anyone took offense, just drink a beer and eat a burger - life goes on. Douche. America.

Types Of People You Meet At Sports Games

Have you ever been to a sporting event? No? Well screw you. These staples in our fine American culture are what makes this nation great. There always seems to be the same types of people, regardless of team, sport, or location though. In honor of MLB Opening Day 2012, I present these people to you.

The Funny Loudmouth

The funny loudmouth may come with a group of funny loudmouth. These guys are very loyal to their team, but prefer to hang out with the bros over a few drinks. You can hear these guys through the whole section, and they're ALWAYS entertaining. They're funny, rude, and yet are not a pain in the ass to sit by. It's like sitting next to Brent Musburger commentating a game, but unlike Brent Musburger, these guys are funny and are not gigantic douches. Comments usually include "Hey 34, you SUCK!", "Let the kids play, ref!", and "67 looks like he's playing in a pee-wee league!" They encourage interaction, so feel free to join these section leaders.

The Wave Guy

Unless you're stuck in 1999, the wave is stupid. There's always one guy who wants to keep a wave going throughout the entire stadium for the entire game. You can find him easily as he's the guy standing and sitting and shouting like he has Tourette's. He'll get pissed when people don't join him in the wave too, and it can become equally funny and pathetic, so feel free to not participate. No one knows why he's reached the point of his life where creating a wave is a huge success, but he's annoying and a loser. Throw a nacho at him for me.

The Drunk Guy

With sports comes boozing. There's always a handful of drunk guys spread across the building, and they can bring some interesting consequences. The drunk guy always is sloppy and you can tell they're obviously hammered. Sometimes they're hilarious, egging on the funny loudmouth, and harassing the players to the point that they'll give you the finger when they come by your section. Other times, they're obnoxious and annoying. They'll be spilling their drinks everywhere, tripping over everyone, going for bathroom breaks as frequently as a 4th grade girl, and shouting random obscenities. The drunk guy is usually frowned upon, so avoid drinking toooooo much.

The "WOO!" Guy

The "WOO!" guy. Hey, we just scored! WOO! Shit, we just turned the ball over! WOO! Damn, they just scored! WOO! Dude, my dad just died.... WOO! This guy woo's at everything, no matter what. It's like they were raised by wolves as a child. The "WOO!" tends to cut through the rest of the idle chatter, so you can always hear this douchenozzle. Don't tell him to shut up; he'll just "WOO!" at you. Just throw a pretzel or something at him.

The Hardcore Fan

This guy has been to every home game since 1898, has watched all the away games, and has every piece of memorabilia made in the last 48 years. This guy lives, eats, and breathes his team. When you are at a game with him, he's as emotional as a menstruating woman watching a soap opera. When the team scores, he's going to be celebrating harder than a college kid who found out his slampiece is NOT pregnant. When the opposing team scores, or even worse, wins, you should avoid this guy like herpes. He'll be shouting, screaming, cursing, throwing shit, punching babies.... He's a hot mess. If the team loses, he's going to go home and cry in a corner. Hope for the best with your team, because you do NOT want to be around this guy when the team loses.

@CanadaInAmerica

The Gentlemen's Bet

Every so often, two or more gentlemen decide to engage in a friendly wager that can result in very interesting things being done. It has turned friends into enemies, innocent people into criminals, and good kids into rambunctious savages. This is the gentlemen's bet.

The gentlemen's bet goes down like this: one person will usually make some claim about their superiority or mention something that will make them look good. Another person will call out the aforementioned individual, which may be a challenge to their ego or masculinity. Words are exchanged, and the gentlemen will agree on some wager and shake on it. This hand shake seals the fate for one person, as they are now in a (not really) legal contract and must follow through with the bet. The duration of the bet turns two friends into two moms trying to get the last Tickle Me Elmo at Walmart on Black Friday. Feelings will be hurt, words will be said, and if it's a part of the bet, parts will be shown. Even after the wager is completed, there still may be animosity between the parties involved.

The "prizes" made during gentlemen's bet may vary. The end result may be a few dollars or a free meal. The wager may also be at outlandish as having to streak somewhere, nipple cone, or other embarrassing feats. The crazier the prize, the more intense the rivalry gets. Think about it; if either you or your dumb little buddy were forced to hook up with more people than the other to allow the loser to get a tramp stamp, you bet your sweet little ass that you're going through hell and high water to whore yourself out like a Teen Mom superstar. There's no point of making a wager if you're going to half ass it. The gentlemen's bet requires to true men, none of this hipster crap. No one cares how many American Spirits you can chain smoke in a row. People want to see REAL feats of strength, like how many cartwheels someone can do before vomiting.

Now, the actual wager can vary in intensity as well. It can range from a simple football team winning to having to snort a big 'ol line of crushed red pepper to who can raise more money for a fake charity. No matter the wager, any two serious gentlemen will always do whatever it takes to win. No one likes a loser, anyway. You think the ladies are going to flock to the person who failed to jump over a moving car? NOPE. Women love a champion, even if the champion is the best as stuffing as much crap in their mouths as possible. Of course, there's a huge ego boost to the victor in these ridiculous pissing contests. You can bet that the winner will bombard the loser with "you suck"s and "told ya so!"s for a while after the throwdown occurs. Bragging rights are and will always be one of the best things about winning, and this is no different.

I know what you're thinking - why would anyone ever do something so stupid? I have an answer: BECAUSE WE CAN. You see, men always push the limits of themselves and their peers. Some use athletics as a medium, while others lean towards more obscure things, like who can throw a midget farther. It's in a man's nature to challenge each other to prove one's worth, and nothing does so in the fashion of the gentlemen's bet. Not only can you prove one's worth, but you can degrade your opponent to the rank of a punk bitch, and hold it against him for aeons to come. So next time you claim to be able to rail 8 shots in a row, think of the consequences, because you may be forced to hit on the paper bagger at the bar if your feats don't work in your favor.

@CanadaInAmerica

The Personalities Behind Your Drink Of Choice

Regardless of what myth says, it's definitely true that each kind of alcohol can effect you in different ways. Your wine drunk is veeeery different from your typical beer drunk. Let us see:

Beer

Ah, beer. This delicious beverage has held civilizations together for generations upon generations. Everyone can enjoy a beer or two. When you enjoy twenty-one or twenty-two, however, everything becomes interesting. Beer is one of those beverages that can sneak up on you. After downing a pitcher or two, you may be fine, but the instant you stand up to drain the 'ol sea monster, it'll hit you like a Mike Tyson hook. You'll be stumbling like, well, a drunk. Slurring your words is probably the most common symptom of a beer drunk, as well as the overwhelming beer breath that comes with it. Drinking a lot of beer can usually bring one of the sloppiest drunks, as one can continue downing a few thinking they're fine over an extended period of time. Watch out, though, as this dark horse of alcohol can kick your ass.

Tequila

I hate tequila. I. HATE. Tequila. Anytime my liver and tequila get together for a date, I always end up in a bathtub with a sombrero on. How festive. Tequila can bring the party animal out of anyone, and can take you out quicker than a rhino tranquilizer. Usually when one drinks tequila without taking breaks for other drinks, there's a good chance they'll be down for the count shortly. But between their level and sobriety and "poop my pants" drunk state, they're raging like a man on steroids and cocaine locked in a cage. They'll never turn down a drink, and will be the first to do whatever stupid thing that everyone is egging them on to do. Need someone to do a body shot off of that 450-pound old dude? The tequila friend will do it! Better get to them fast though, because they may be praying to the porcelain gods shortly.

Jagermeister

Jager can blow me. This hell liquid is my downfall. When inducing Jager, one can expect to go hard, probably be pretty sloppy later, lose your shoes, and then will bring a 92% chance for bad decisions. If you can handle this bad boy, then you're a better man than I am. Enough said.

Wine

No one can ever say no to a bottle (or three) of wine. Wine gives the most unique drunk. Wine will give you a huge head drunk, blurring your vision rather quickly while still appearing to be somewhat coherent. Your body, on the other hand, may not feel so drunk, and you can probably still maintain your motor skills better than on a different kind of drunk. Of course, wine is oh so very classy which makes you classy while drinking it too. Who cares if you just threw up on your cat? You're drinking wine, you classy son of a bitch! Just as the head drunk is intense with wine drunk, so is the hangover you'll experience in the morning. Wine hangovers are THE worst, so many sure to chug a cup of water or two before passing out.

Vodka

Not sure what to drink? Vodka it is. This default beverage can mix with just about anything, which can factor into your type of drunk. If you're mixing pop and vodka and downing it, you can expect to be drunk and spazzed out on all the caffeine. The ever popular Gatorade and vodka combo will not only get you drunk, but it'll refuel your electrolytes too! Vodka to me is the typical drunk; even parts sloppy, even parts head and body drunk, even parts bad decisions. The worst part is just how awful it goes down too. Drinking it straight though can bring out your inner Soviet, putting so much hair on your chest that you won't know what to do with it. Bringing out your inner Soviet may bring out the anger that comes with the Soviets too, so watch out. Flavored vodkas don't seem to affect the type of drunk from my field research, so enjoy your new birthday cake flavored vodka!

Whiskey

The drink of ALL gentlemen's drinks, whiskey will get you feeling a good buzz faster than most other drinks, mostly because you're drinking it straight. But just like wine, you're a classy mofo when you're drinking whiskey. As with most liquors, you can expect a more intense head drunk compared to beer, but whiskey will tend to plateau at some point, leaving you in the fine balance of being intoxicated, but still able to operate and enjoy yourself. If you tip the balance of that in any way, there's a possibility of making for a less than fun night, so don't abuse the whiskey. Forget YOUR limits. Respect the whiskey's limits.

Rum

If you drink rum then you will become a pirate. Plain and simple.

Gin

I personally also cannot stand gin. This crappy pine tree juice tastes awful going down and tends to give a weird drunk that many cannot enjoy. It gives a more body drunk, which can be weird, as it feels like your head and body are separated, like some headless horseman shit. Gin, while used in many classy drinks such as martinis, can bring out an unexpected and unclassy side of a person that tends to reflect poorly. Gin makes people sloppy for some reason, and it's not like a classy whiskey or wine sloppy. It's about a notch or two down from the tequila sloppiness that can occur, except without the salt or limes. Unless enjoying a fine martini, I suggest you avoid gin, and it will want to avoid your stomach as much as possible.

@CanadaInAmerica