My $640 Million Wishlist

As anyone with Internet or a TV should know, the Mega Millions lottery has hit a whopping $640 jackpot. I know my luck, so I bought a ticket and plan on winning this massive amount of cash. Some may say that $640M is too much for one person to ever have. I say, screw them! Here's what I'll do when I win this money.

During the time my numbers are picked tonight (around 11p EST), I will be riding around downtown Columbus in a limo. (I'm actually not kidding on that) When I find out that I've won what is deservedly mine, I will instantly find the nearest cigar shop and buy the most expensive cigar there. I will then light it with a $100 bill and pay the limo driver to take our late night posse around to the finest bars and clubs. I'll buy a stripper at each place and add them to our posse. I'll probably right then and there buy one of the clubs I like and make it open bar for the entire place. There's maybe only a million or two dropped right there.

Once we are driven back in MY new limo, I'll pass out on my new memory foam mattress I ordered at the bar. I'll snuggle with my golden poodle tonight. Oh yeah, I'm buying a dog for my dog. Awesome, right!? I will wake up, take my routine morning poop, wipe with $100 bills, and take a golden shower. No, not THAT golden shower, but a shower made out of gold. I'll have one of my strippers sponge bathe me too while I read an issue of Forbes magazine. I'll get out and dry off with my brand spanking new full-body air dryer. They don't make them yet - I have the only one.

Since I'm not a greedy person, I'll instantly pay off my student loans, my parent's mortgage and any debt they've accumulated, and send like $10M for my family to split. Chump change, in my book. You can call me the Oprah of lottery winners. You get a million, YOU get a million, EVERYONE GETS A MILLION BUCKS!

After I'm done being nice, I'll probably buy the country of Greece. Why? Because I can. Gyros will now be called Jordanos. Greek food will then be called Jordan food. Back here in the states, I'll probably open a sweet club/bar with some sweet name that has yet to be determined and only hire the best DJ's in the world to perform. You're welcome, America! I'll go back home after my purchases to my new mansion.

Now, my mansion will include all golden toilet and showers, with rolls of $100 bills to wipe with, like I had previously mentioned. Each bathroom will have a bathroom, too. Why not? My living room will consist of a full wall which is a plasma screen TV, which is similar to the one Barney Stinson has in his bachelor pad. Memory foam sofas will line the room while sweet pictures of sweet shit will cover the walls. I'll turn on the TV and, wait, what's that? Looks my new team, the Los Angeles Lakers, are on TV tonight! Sweet! I'll run to my kitchen (which is conveniently a Chipotle/Cane's Chicken combo restaurant) and grab some snacks.

Once the game's over, we can head to my pool/jacuzzi that overlooks the city. We'll sip Dom Perignon while discussing our latest investments in Fortune 500 companies, of which I will be a board member of 6 of them. Of course, we'll be smoking stogies lit with our $100 bills. We'll converse about my new monument I erected in the town's downtown area. He's a handsome man, you know.

Finally, before the day is over, I'll have the P90X dude give me a workout personally while.... "enjoying" the company of the lovely ladies I brought over. They're nice girls, you should meet them sometime. I'll open the house up for a housewarming party that P. Diddy could only wish he could throw. Enough drinks to get the country of Finland drunk for 3 full weeks and enough Chipotle to send even the most strong stomached individual to the toiler three times a night. After everyone vomits and passes out, I'll have my branch of the local maid service come in and clean up while I enjoy watching my Lakers win again.

I only spent a 5th of my fortune too, and that's on a mild day. Imagine what every other day would be like....

@CanadaInAmerica with ideas from @XAD_13

Shit Stupid People Say

No, this isn't another video about shit llamas say or anything. This is, however, a rant about the stupid, overused phrases that the world needs to stop saying this instant. There are many reasons for why these terms needs to cease and desist. Some of them are just annoying, some make you sound like an uneducated dumbass, while some just make you look like an idiot when you say them. These are those terms:

"You Only Live Once"

No shit Sherlock, how long did it take for you to realize this one? If I lived more than once, I'd be a sweet ass velociraptor and not some guy writing blog articles about stupid phrases. This phrase has been around for a while, but then that guy Drake made a song about The Motto and now anyone who wants to be accepted is adding "YOLO" to the end of everything daring they think they're doing. No one cares that you're eating a donut while on your diet because you only live once. I sure as hell don't care if you don't buckle your seatbelt because YOLO. You sound like a crazed teen band fan girl, except with less brain cells. If you're going to pick a different inspirational quote, pick one that can affect people, something like "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I'd much rather people say SFTMEIYMYLATS than YOLO, because at the end of the day, YOLO both sounds like a ripoff clothing line and a dirty thing people do their wives at the end of the day. SFTMEIYMYLATS just sounds dumb, but has a real core meaning to it that can appeal to people who don't listen to mainstream media. Stop saying this dumb, overused phrase or I'll end your life that you only live once. Please.

"Dat Shit Cray/Cray Cray"

I want to hit Kanye West in the face with a fish stick for coining this dumb phrase. Made famous by being blurted out in Kanye's collab with Jay-Z, "Niggas In Paris," everyone has decided to lower themselves to the literacy of a flower by shouting this anytime something potentially wild may happen. There are so many other synonomical verses one can speak instead of "dat shit cray," including "That's nucking futs!", "Off the chain, yo!", and even the once overused term "This shit is bananas!" Nothing is "cray" about this phrase except for the amount of people using it, and the fact people still willingly use it despite using a word that is clearly missing a letter. Your 4th grade English teacher would slap the crap out of you if they ever heard you say "dat shit cray." Knock it off, crayfish.

"Sorry For Partying"

Oh, I get it! You went out last night and got like SUUUUPER wasted, and then tell everyone about all the crazy shenanigans you got into, and then you spout out "lol sorry 4 parteying!1" because you're really NOT sorry you partied! It all makes sense now. While the ladies in the pictures may be easy on the eyes, you still sound like an idiot saying this. In a world that has glamorized partying, this phrase just makes me think of that try-hard Kesha and her stupid antics. You don't want to be like her, do you? She's not even good looking. Anyway, this phrase is so overdone, especially by girls, who feel the need to stick it to the man because they had 14 cherry bombs and threw up on the bouncer. Sorry for partying! Everyone parties/has partied, and no one really cares if one does so. No need to address to the world how cool you are (not).

"Swag"

I may not fully understand the concept of swag, but from what I've picked up, it's what lame and uncool people need to get laid. To me, swag is attempting to bring your style into a world where everyone is the same. Well, if everyone is trying to bring their own style, wouldn't that make everyone trying to bring in swag, swagless? Swag is like the hipster, but only with flashy jewelry and stupid limps while walking. This fad needs to stop. If you need swag to get along in life, then you should reevaluate your life then. Leave swag at the curb, next to where the hookers and trash are. Find skill, intelligence, and logic, and then you won't need this "cure-all" swag.

@CanadaInAmerica

Yoga Pants: The Ultimate Bottoms

April showers bring May flowers, but what does March bring? YOGA PANTS! Yoga pants are skin-tight trousers made of thin fabric that is fun for the whole family. If you don't like yoga pants, then you're a communist. Here's why both girls and guys can love this fantastic article of clothing:

-Girls love how comfortable they are

I can't say I've ever put a pair of these puppies on, but women rave about how comfortable and soft they are. Apparently it's like wearing a La-Z-Boy around your ass all day. In a world where women where uncomfy boob restraints, the yoga pant offers a different perspective, allowing your waist and legs to enjoy the feeling of pantlessness whilst still wearing pants! If this were made for guys, I'd wear them around the house all day with my house shoes and shit. They'd have to be manly though. Maybe through some USA flag print or something on it.

-Guys love how girl's butts look in them

Let's cut the shit: yoga pants are like push-up bras for your ass. Yoga pants can turn a pancake butt into something with shape, and can turn a medium-sized butt into a real donk. If you asked a guy what his favorite type of trousers were, he'd say yoga pants were second (obviously after no pants). Guys can be notorious for checking out the hiney of a finey, and these trousers from heaven only ass, I mean add fuel to the fire. It's like dangling a Big Mac in front of a homeless man.

-Girls love how yoga pants can go with almost any outfit

Wearing a t-shirt today? Yoga pants. Am I going to do yoga? Yoga pants. Going for a jog with my running attire? Yoga pants. Need something underneath your short dress? Yoga pants. They're like the chameleon of pants. The typical pair of black yoga pants can go with almost any ensemble, partly because the color black can go with anything. But for some reason, the yoga pant can ass, I mean add a classy touch, regardless of what one's wearing up top. Heck, it's look fine without a top! My theory is that is doesn't draw a lot of attention to the lower portion of the body. Thin, black pants don't necessarily stand out, leaving the attention up top.

-Guys love how girl's butts look in them

Let's cut the shit: yoga pants are like push-up bras for your ass. Yoga pants can turn a pancake butt into something with shape, and can turn a medium-sized butt into a real donk. If you asked a guy what his favorite type of trousers were, he'd say yoga pants were second (obviously after no pants). Guys can be notorious for checking out the hiney of a finey, and these trousers from heaven only ass, I mean add fuel to the fire. It's like dangling a Big Mac in front of a homeless man.

-Girls love the fabric

I may be getting redundant as the fabric definitely adds to the comfortability factor mentioned earlier, but there's more reasons for girls to love the fabric of yoga pants! With the fabric being so thin, it can make you feel like you're wearing nothing at all! It can allow your parts to breathe while still being clothed, which I can only imagine how awesome that feels, even my only judgement is from my experiences of standing over air blowing upwards from a downtown sewer grate. The thinness allows one to be comfy while not being overheated as well. Before yoga pants, 'comfy' was synonymous with 'warm, fuzzy, soft clothing.' This, by deductive reasoning, makes yoga pants a game changer, eternalizing them among the top pants of all time.

-Guys love how girl's butts look in them

Let's cut the shit: yoga pants are like push-up bras for your ass. Yoga pants can turn a pancake butt into something with shape, and can turn a medium-sized butt into a real donk. If you asked a guy what his favorite type of trousers were, he'd say yoga pants were second (obviously after no pants). Guys can be notorious for checking out the hiney of a finey, and these trousers from heaven only ass, I mean add fuel to the fire. It's like dangling a Big Mac in front of a homeless man.

But seriously, this is the only reason that benefits men. If you ladies had an everyday article of clothing for guys that could make you wetter than a sponge in a rainstorm, you'd obviously place that positive ahead of many other potential ones. I can't really think of any other positive for yoga pants for men though, unless they suddenly catch on and we lose the Affliction tees and start wearing these yoga pants.

Wait, shit! Us guys have been wearing this crap forever! I guess they really are as comfy as the women say they are....

@CanadaInAmerica

Types Of Blackouts Part 2

What, you thought there were only three kinds of blackouts we encounter when we torture our livers? You're sadly mistaken. Upon our scientific studies and field research, we've encountered even more types of blackouts to educate you on. We can guarantee one of your lame friends probably falls under one of these too. Observe...

The Angry Blackout

So get this: you walk into your friend's house and chat up a conversation with the cute girl in the corner. Out of fucking nowhere, a TV remote flies like a Randy Johnson fastball and sticks into the wall. You then hear a guttural scream that would even scare Bigfoot, followed by a series of battering ram-esque head butts to the window. So much for getting lucky tonight, as you're too busy running away from this disaster like ants under a magnifying glass. This type of blackout disaster tends to be a more rare breed, but always brings an interesting (and usually less than pleasant) experience. The angry blackout usually ends their night in a hospital bed with a plank through their arm or stuffed in the back of a cop car after a household appliance throwing frenzy. Avoid this guy like the plague, because anything in the path of this drunken tornado can and will be ripped to shreds. No one really knows how this person gets so furious, but this dark side tends to always come out when they pass the point of no return.

The Crying Blackout

Have you ever seen someone in the corner of the bar crying? Odds are, you have. You wander over to console this person and offer a hand of friendship. Little do you know that they're really crying because the last song played reminded her (these people are usually a 'her') of her pet hamster Willie that died 16 years ago in a tragic hamster wheel accident. Little do you also know that she's really not going to remember anything come tomorrow. The crying blackout really is self explanatory; they get drunk, and cry. They don't cry about anything important like friends or sports, though. They break out the waterworks for what seems like the dumbest shit. It must be important to them, though, which may make you question why someone is so upset that they had forgotten they lost their old 98 Degrees album in 4th grade. Daddy issues? Emotional issues? Simply just a hot mess? Who knows. The crying blackout tends to be a bit of a buzzkill, though. It was fun to poke fun at the crier the first 107 times, but after a while it just becomes pathetic. Seriously, you're supposed to be having a good time, not moping in a corner over spilt milk. No, I'm not kidding, she literally just spilt a cup of milk and may be suicidal now. This cheap novelty gets old after a while, but they don't want to leave. We suggest avoiding this blacked out mess, otherwise you're handcuffing yourself to an emotional train wreck for the rest of the night.

The Bad Influence Blackout

By day, they are your average person. Maybe even your best friend, perhaps. But come nightfall, this enabler and instigator will get you into so many shenanigans that will make you eligible for an episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive." We're not sure what does it, but when alcohol mixes with this person's body, it sends the gears in their head spinning so fast that any person within a 2 mile radius is subject to his debauchery. A few hours ago, this guy and yourself were leaving the office. Now, you're at the bar doing a handstand with a stripper doing shots off your taint. But wait, there's more! How did you get to White Castle, and why are you showering in Big Red while hitting on the 57-year-old decrepit cashier? And why is there a Walmart receipt in your left back pocket for five bottles of KY Jelly, a tennis racquet, and bird feed? While your night may be a blur, you know this person is (almost) always a great time, even though they really won't remember getting into some sticky situations (literally). You're not sure why, but you do everything that this blackout demands. Somewhere between the verbal onslaughts of "YOU WON'T!"'s and "Duuuuude, don't be a pussy!", you decide that downtown drunken parkour really IS a great idea, even though you really know it's not. This blackout makes for some of the best stories, but there's a good chance you exchange a lot of your dignity or stomach contents for that story.

@CanadaInAmerica with help from guest contributer @dylan_helber